Find, Replace, and Listen to Me
by Love Cocoon
Summary: Find what is hurting you and has always held you back, replace with stronger feelings, and listen to me. Written by hoshiko2kokoro and anonymous guest.
1. Chapter 1

**Find/Replace, and Listen to Me**

_August_

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

**Subject**: Good games

Hey Artie! How are you? Missing me terribly? I know it's hard to let go of such an amazing person like me, but you can totally do it, right? Right.

Btw, good games this year! You did a great job hostin' them. But now I gotta focus on politics. It was nice while it lasted!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

**Subject**: Re: Good games

I can do without you perfectly well, thank you very much. I somehow managed to survive centuries without you before and since we met, _and_ we live on different continents an ocean apart even now that we're allies. Not only am I _used_ to missing you, it comes perfectly naturally.

Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed them. I do feel rather smug over the whole thing, so I appreciate the compliment.  
It is a shame to go back to work after such a fantastic event, but, personally, anything they throw at me is going to feel like a breeze compared to the last few months. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted now, and just the word "Olympics" makes me need a nice long sit down. So I hope you don't mind if we leave off the subject for a while as I recover from the whole thing.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Yeah yeah. Stop lying to yourself and making up all of these excuses just to save face. Just say it. You know you want to.

And I hear you on the Olympics. I'm that way with my upcoming election, but I won't talk about it much. It gives me a headache just thinking about it. If we keep chattin' on e-mail and I vanish, that's why. Damn politics.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I know I want to say_ what_? Honestly, am I supposed to be able to follow your ridiculous train of thought and random tangents, America?

And I have no trouble avoiding the topic of your elections. I get enough of them over here as it is.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Say that youuuuuu misss meeee! And you can follow my train of thoughts. They're not totally random. You just can't keep up with my awesome thoughts.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

You're right. I do miss you. You used to be so cute and sweet - and now look at you. A big, loud mess of a nation.

I suppose your thoughts aren't totally random: they all seem to revolve around _me_, by the sound of it. It's just the thought _process_ which seems rather confused and random. I suppose somebody like me must be difficult for somebody like _you_ to understand, so I don't blame you for having a hard time thinking coherently.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Ah man. I know where your mind always is: the past. And you say I think about you all the time when it seems you're constantly thinking of this perfect image of me. Although, it's kinda creepy, don't you think? I was, like, only 100 years old.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I'm not _always_ thinking about you! We're having a conversation, so I'm just remembering when I actually liked you, that's all. And it's natural for older people with more memories to also think of their acquaintances as they knew them when they were little. Say you were a teacher for a long time. If, after twenty years of teaching, you ran into one of your first students, all grown up, wouldn't you automatically remember how little they used to be?

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Nope. When I see you that's not where my mind jumps to, or with France or with Canada or even Japan. I always see them for who they are now. It's useless to try and remember things that have passed because it can never be again. You'll never be the same England as you were when I was a colony, and I'm fine with that. I like who you are now just as I did when I was a child.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Just because it can't be the way it was before, doesn't mean I can't still look back fondly on the memories. You know, it's also useless to _forget_ things that have passed because then you never learn or grow as a person.

And don't give me any of this rubbish about liking me now just as much as you did back then. You've obviously forgotten a lot about the past, if you think that way. Trust me, you liked me a lot more back then.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hey, I never said I forget anything. Or did I? I don't remember. What I meant was that I learn to forgive. It seems you still haven't forgiven me, or even cared to do so, if you keep seeing me as some angel of the past. And no, I like you more now than I did when we were younger. But you wouldn't care about that, would you?

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

That was actually rather funny - I'm going to hope you did that on purpose.

I don't know where "forgiving" came into this conversation. I said I remember you when you were little and adorable. Nothing more, nothing less. It would be ridiculous of me to _blame_ you for growing up. I just blame you for growing up into a bloody git - that's nobody's fault but your own.

I don't necessarily not care whether you like me now. And I can't say that I infrequently wish that you could like me a bit more. But you've _obviously_ forgotten a lot if you think you like me more now. Trust somebody who is old enough to remember it clearly.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co .uk_

Yes, let's just say I totally did that on purpose. If it made you laugh, haha! Part of growing up is forgiving someone for their past mistakes, right? You taught me that. You taught me a lot of things, so if anyone's to blame about this "growing up into a git" business, it's you. And as for me liking you more, I too was a kid and comparing to how I am now in my aff- feelings about you, well that's a bit rude. It's like you're not even trying to understand me.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

It did make me laugh. You have your moments, I'll grant you that.

I'm not saying you need forgiveness for any mistakes you may have made. I wouldn't ask for any _myself_ - because I may not understand _you_, but I at least understand that we are the way we are because of all our mistakes, our triumphs, our ups and downs. And who am I to wish that we - any of us - were any different? I, personally, like the way I turned out, and I suppose I wouldn't have _you_ any other way, either. (You could be worse, after all. I wouldn't put it past you.) So if I helped you grow into the person/bloody git you are today, then I am glad, and you can thank me however you wish.

I…suppose I'm being a bit obtuse. I don't mean to be rude, and I don't mean to devalue our present friendship by always harping on about how things used to be. But you need to understand me, too. I know I can't _compare_ the two relationships, but you're saying you like me more _now_, and I can assure you that the relationship we had as a child and guardian was much deeper than what we have just being friends and allies.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail co .uk_

I'm glad I made you laugh. I like to hear it. It's a rare thing. But most of the time that bit with forgiveness is NOT the same attitude you give off when you talk about the past. You make it seem like everything I've done up to this very moment is a mistake. That I'm an idiot, and that's all I'll ever be, no matter how hard I try. Take right now for example. Just trying to have a nice conversation with you, and you start insulting me by saying that what we had when I was inferior to you is better than now when we're equals. I don't see what we had as something deeper then. I was a kid and a dumb colony and you took full advantage of that to boast about your past fights and triumphs so that I would look at you through rose glasses, and never want to leave you. Now, I don't see you as such. You don't HAVE to do that with me, and look, I'm still here. I'm still your friend. I still work my ass off to keep us being close. I don't see you doing that.

Maybe it's better if I just stop e-mailing you. Would you like it if I left you alone?

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Alfred. Please don't stop emailing me.

I know I'm horrible to you, even when you don't deserve it. (Perhaps especially when you don't deserve it.) That's the way I treat _everyone_, and you _know_ it, so I never realised it hurt you so badly.

But that's no excuse for my harsh words, so that's why I'll apologise for them now. I'm sorry, America. I'm sorry that me being cold and sarcastic and spiteful has made you believe that I don't care about you. That's the last thing I would ever want you to believe. The truth is, I think you're…rather perfect. Just the way you are. Ignore me when I say otherwise. If you're making me say it, I suppose I act particularly horrible to you because, although I don't want you to think that I don't care about you at all, I also don't want you knowing quite how much I _do_ care. (You _know_ you'd never stop lording it over me if I let on…)

And I never _ever_ thought you were inferior to me. I suppose, in a way, I must have done, since you were my colony, but I didn't think you were worthless. You were just _younger_. That's all. I'm hundreds of years old, America. I know full well how a little lost boy can grow up and be a wonderful, strong nation. Look what happened to _me_. I was both expecting and hoping for it for you. I'd just wanted you to stay with me when it all happened.

"A dumb colony"? When you look back and remember our time together, you _know_ that's not what I saw when I was looking at you. Does a parent look at their child and then laugh behind their back because they're so young and inexperienced in the world? No. Of course not. That's one of the reasons why they _love_ them.

I admit that I wanted to boast to you about how powerful I was - I just wanted you to look up to me, as any big brother would. Because _of course_ I didn't want you to leave. I would never want you to leave. You don't know how grateful I am that you persevere through all my bullshit, over all these centuries, and stay with me, anyway. Maybe not as child and guardian, but friends - I don't care, I'm just…so grateful that you stick with me, despite me being me. It's…rather astounding to me, that you care so much and try so hard.

And I'm sorry but you'll always be an idiot. _I'll_ always be an idiot. We'll all always be idiots - that's the way the world works. There will never be a time when we're all perfectly fine, secure, united and happy. We'll always be fighting and arguing and making up and breaking away again; and it may be stupid, but that's who we are, and that's why we're idiots. I can't wish it would change, because if it did, it wouldn't be the same world anymore.

Please don't stop emailing me. I…don't ever want you to leave me alone like that.

* * *

_Hoshiko2_'s cents: Hello! This is Hoshiko2 here! This is a new joint story that me and my mystery co-author, The Anonymous Zoological Society, have written together. It will be broken up into, at least, three arcs, this being the first. The chapters will vary in lengths. As you can see, this fanfic is rated at T, but be warned that future chapters WILL have sexy talk, just not sexy action. There will be a warning before any chapter with suggestive language, for any one that may not like such a thing.

We hope you all enjoy this story as my partner and I have put a lot of work into it! It's been a lot of fun! We already have quite a lot stored up for future chapters, so updates will come regularly. See you next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

_September_

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Um, well, shit, where do I start? Uh, okay, this whole "I treat everyone this way" thing is so not true. Yeah, you piss me off and I see you do it to France, but you're totally not that way with Japan or Canada, and especially not to Portugal. But… Don't think that sometimes I don't like it. It's fun, in a way. I like seeing you get so passionate about something. As countries, we tend to just melt away and never really focus on anything, don't we? I know I sometimes even fade out of baseball and football (hard to believe, but it happens). Sometimes I worry it happens to you too. I'm glad I can make you get so worked up because then I know you're paying attention to me.

As for this apologizing thing…? It's weird. You've NEVER apologized for a thing to me in all my life. Or maybe you have and I don't remember. But I'm pretty sure you haven't. Remember that time you poured tea on my Declaration of Independence? Where was my apology then?

Anyway, don't apologize. I'm not as upset as you think I am. I played some Wii Sports and calmed down. You know me, I don't get mad that often, and I rarely stay mad. So you're forgiven, if you're worried about that.

But, please elaborate on this whole "I care about you a lot" deal. What's that about, hmmmmmm….? ;)

Ah. What I'm about to say might upset you, so please just read everything before you go ballistic on me, okay? So, um, you never thought I was inferior, hm? So my wanting to be my own nation wasn't because you thought less of me as compared to you? My fighting to show you who I am wasn't because of that? My whole ordeal with the world right now and how you criticize me isn't…you thinking I'm less than you? I'm sorry, but…I have to call BS on this too. You do it more than anyone (and that's a stretch given how much the Middle East nations poke at me…), and you never seem to appreciate or like a single thing I do, even if it's for your benefit. It's stressful to try and live up to your standards when all I see you is…

Ah, I won't get into that.

Look, just… Do you still see me as a brother? Like, a kid brother who's too big for his britches, because you treat me that way a lot… I'm just not sure and, well… I dunno.

I think I've written too much.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Well, all right, if you're going to get _technical_ about it then no, I don't behave that way to everyone. Only when that sort of insulting, criticising banter is a mutual thing (or when I'm very frustrated). Japan and Canada are very different people to you and France. Calling them 'twats' like I do to you two would just be plain uncalled for, since they're always polite and nice to _me_ and don't frustrate me so much. _You_, on the other hand…

Portugal and I are old friends; I can insult him or be perfectly civil - either way, we know each other very well so I don't have to bother thinking about how I behave around him. You don't see me all up in arms because you're so charming to Japan and Lithuania and Israel, but spend your life relentlessly teasing _me_.

There are lots of things I'm passionate about - like literature and magic - and I'll not be giving those up in a hurry. So you don't have to take my mental well being all onto yourself.

But if it will make you feel better than I can assure you that no matter what happens, America, you'll always get me worked up.

…I mean, obviously in a…you know, frustrated way. Ah! But not _frustrated_ frustrated, in that...one sense of the word. It's simply that you rile me up, on _purpose_, and I don't dare hope you'll ever stop that bit of childishness any time soon, so I assume you'll always give me something to be passionate about - even if it's passionately angry.

Don't exaggerate. Of course I've apologised before. I'm not a monster: I know when I do something wrong and I'm more than willing to do the right thing and make amends as best I can.

You just scared me a little. You sounded so hurt and I didn't want to be the one to make you so serious and pained - it's not _you_.

And I do feel bad for making you angry because of the way I treat you and other old friends. As I said before, even if it's just the way I always act, that doesn't make it right. If I insist on being such a bastard because I can't be bothered to change my ways, then I might as well apologise when it eventually ends up offending somebody. (Unless it's France, in which case he can just deal with it.)

You'll get an apology for the tea on your Declaration of Independence when I get an apology for the tea in the Boston harbour. If you're allowed to act like a petulant child once in a while, then so shall I.

But if you insist, then I'll retract my apology. God knows it was embarrassing enough to write, I'll gladly take it back if you don't want it.

If we have to have this conversation then, here you are:

Your inferiority complex is your own, America. Don't blame me for that because I don't recall ever once telling you as a child that I was better than you, or that you wouldn't amount to anything.

Your reasons for the revolution are your own - so if you did it all because _you_ thought that _I_ thought you were inferior, then so be it. Those were your reasons. Not ones I told you to have, but ones you made on your own.

They're silly, if you don't mind me saying so, but I suppose I can't argue with the end result. As I said…I wouldn't necessarily want to change the way of the world if I could. I miss how we used to be but this is who you are _supposed_ to be and I wouldn't take that away from you. It would be hypocritical of me to begrudge anyone such success when I spent centuries striving for it myself.

Of _course_ I never let you know I appreciate or like a single thing you do. When was the last time you gave me that courtesy, hm? You spent months last year teasing me about the Olympics and saying you didn't think I could handle such an "awesome" event in such a tiny, lame, grey country.

But I know you don't exactly mean these things, and I trust you're smart enough to know that I don't think you're as useless as I always make you out to be, either. It's a two way street America, like everything you seem to be going on about.

Besides, I'd be rather foolish if I genuinely thought a top superpower like the United States of America was a stupid backwards country as I always say. I'm not a moron. I'm old enough to have learnt not to underestimate people too often. You still always find new ways to _surprise_ me, of course, but I like to think I know you enough not to _underestimate_ you.

Do I still think of you as my baby brother?

America, it's been centuries. Of course I don't still see you as a brother - little or big or anything in between. I still _remember_ those times when we were family, naturally, but…well, like I said, I'm not a moron. Despite how reclusive I can be, I am actually aware of the world around me and I know that you're not that little colony anymore.

Trust me, you don't need to worry so much about me seeing you as a helpless little child.

I'm thoroughly out of my element writing such deep messages - and it's to _you _of all people! I hope I don't sound too much like…what's that clique you're always on about? "Emo"? Well, I don't mean to sound like the emos, anyway. I hate this type of thing, but I will keep replying until I'm sure that I can go back to treating you like a wanker as I usually do, until you're satisfied knowing that you mean a lot to me and, well…

If you're going to end sentences like that, then I think I shall, too.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Dude, you should totally just call Canada and Portugal twats. It's true friends that won't get mad at that.

Wink WINK!

I don't take your personal well being onto myself. I just… you know… I like making you happy! B-but it's not just you! I enjoy making EVERYONE happy, you know?! That way we can all laugh and everyone can enjoy my jokes because my home is where the best jokes and comedies come from. I mean, look at The Office and Friends! Sitcom gold, baby!

And don't worry, I'll keep working you up for years to come. I don't think that'll ever change. It's too easy. You're so open for an easy target. It's cute.

Not in that way.

You know.

It's funny.

Funny cute.

Naw, you were such a horror to me as a kid. I mean, jeez, when will you apologize for that stuff you called food you subjected me to? Scarred me for life. Yeesh.

And you know I will never apologize for the Tea Party. It was epic, man. You should've been there.

And don't worry. I'm not a little kid, so I don't get upset so easily. ;)

If it's always the way you act and you don't think it's right, then… why do you act that way? I know as nations we can't REALLY change, but there are subtle things you could do to change. Take me for example. I didn't have to be so deep with you either. I mean, hell, the longest letter I ever wrote was to you, and you poured tea on it. So…

But yeah, I don't think how you act is wrong. It's just who you are, and that's not wrong. I…I kinda like when you get all explosive and stuff. You've always been that way. Of course, now you're calmer and more refined. Much more so than when I was a colony, that's for sure. And I like it this way. I like the man you've become. It's…fun.

You never actually said these words, Arthur, but you certainly showed it through your body language. I really don't want to get involved with all of those memories right now. I don't want to upset you after I made you laugh. Then you'd have to apologize. Or would I have to?

And I tell you all the damn time how much I appreciate you! How many OTHER nations will eat your food? How many come over as much as I do? How many came back to you after leaving and stayed as close? Do I have to spell it out for you? Sheesh, and you're the smart one around here. But… if I have to be honest…

Ah, no, forget it. You don't wanna hear all of that.

I like to think of those times too, but it's different with me. I don't do it when you're around. If I did, it'd affect how I interacted with you. God forbid, I might even hug you or call you like how I did when I was a kid. Fuck that.

But… it's nice. I won't lie, I sometimes will purposely see the past in a different way just to make it less bittersweet. I know we're close, and I still believe we're closer than we used to be, but… Yeah, I can see your point. Kind of. I would like things to be like that, but I'm content with how we are now.

And if you don't see me as a helpless child, then don't worry. I don't see you as a doting dad either.

I don't think you're out of your element. You used to write me letters all the time. Of course, they were all "Come back and stop being a bloody idiot", but that was deep at the time. Letters took forever to get to people. And I've seen your poetry book, so don't think you can weasel out of this one, Artie. ;)

And I don't think I can go back to treating you the same way anymore. If that's okay with you.

And don't take back your apology. I'll never forgive you if you do.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

But that's not the kind of friends we are. I could never say something like that to Canada! I consider us very good friends, but if he called _me_ a twat, I'd know something was wrong, and vice versa, I'm sure.

And don't think I don't slag off Portugal to his face: he just doesn't aggravate me as often as you and France do (but, then again, nobody _possibly _could). I call Portugal a twat if he's being a twat, don't you worry. You don't get any special treatment from me.

Yes, I know how much you enjoy making everyone happy and entertaining us - so long as we're enjoying the same things _you _like. I don't remember the last time we ever went to the theatre or had tea at your place. (Though I can't say I'm not guilty of inflicting my own interests on guests who visit me, so I'm not picking solely on you here.)

Sorry to disappoint you but I'm not going to rise to the bait with that comment about 'The Office.' I hate to deny you the pleasure of seeing me all "funny cute" - seems like you enjoy it. _Do _let me know the next time it happens so I can make a note of what it looks it and be sure _never _to do it again.

It's not so much about me as a nation as it is about me as a person. Arthur Kirkland is a grumpy, snarky old man, and far be it from me to change that about him. It's hard to change - that's not me getting all philosophical, it's just a fact. And when you've been mostly a snarky old man for about a millenium, it's _particularly _hard to change your ways.

Aww, did mean old England pour tea all over your nice letter and discourage you from writing ever again? Poor little babby.

Get over it.

Y-you think I'm fun? I…Well, I never expected to hear that from you. It's not that I'm _not_ fun, I just enjoy different types of fun to you. I _used_ to be criminally fun, the way you think of the word. When I was a privateer. You would have thought I was fun then (although I doubt you could have kept up with me). But now? I just didn't think you saw me that way.

It's…surprisingly nice, to know you don't just see me as a boring old codger.

You can't claim that eating my food is a show of appreciation when a few paragraphs ago you insulted it. You only eat it to make jokes about it. I'm not stupid.

But if you're going to make me repeat myself then yes, you…"staying close" after all these years, as you put it, is something for which I'm very grateful. It's no mean feat, I'm sure, willfully sticking around someone like me for so long.

One day you are going to have to learn to finish your sentences, boy. And if you're making me say all these grossly sentimental rarities then you might as well tell me a few embarrassing things, too, instead of trailing off and claiming I'm not interested.

I'm…content with how we are now, too.

So don't worry if you can't go back to treating me the same way, because I can't treat you any differently, either. I'll keep calling you a wanker, you can tell me food "sucks", and we'll just continue bothering each other until one of us finally snaps.

Bet it'll be you first.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

And what if I want special treatment?

And don't say that like I'm some uncultured swine. I hella love taking in the native pleasures too. How many SOCCER games have we been to at your place? And you know Japan and I anime geek out at his place all the time. And let's not forget the Allied hot springs trip we did at Finland's place. That was bitchin'. So don't think that it's just my culture I like to enjoy with others. I am a melting pot, you know. I love trying new things all the time.

Now, about this old man stuff, first of all, only I can call you that. Second, you can TOO change! You used to be so damn gentle and sweet when I was a kid. I never saw this grumpy old guy, but a starry-eyed adventurer who wanted nothing more than to take over the world. You only became this grump-meister because you lost the world (to me ;P)

So I think you CAN change. The question here is do you WANT to? I don't think you do because you're afraid people will get close and leave you. You became that way after you closed up after the Rev. War and I, I guess, hurt you.

And yes, I think you're a lot of fun. You don't even have to be drunk for me to think that either, by the way. Just in case you were curious. (Although, you're a riot when you're piss ass drunk!) But yeah, you did use to be a pirate and such and had fun THAT way, but I think now you have your own way of having fun. C'mon, you're the best person to go to a SOCCER game with. I just wish you'd like FOOTBALL and baseball more so we could enjoy that together. Or with someone else. Or, you know, on our own and we call each other about it later?

And yes, I can totally insult your food and claim that's appreciation because I have a stomach of steel thanks to you. And that's much appreciated. If you can put it between bread, odds are I can eat it. HAHA!

Don't say my sticking around was something so difficult. It's not as hard as you think. Not when you're like this.

I don't remember what I was talking about that made me trail off… That was a few days ago when I sent my e-mail.

Oh, but my going back to treating you the same way, I meant before we starting talking like this, not to when I was a kid. Now that I know some of these things, I'll probably treat you a little different. Maybe even…nicer?!

…

NAW!

Oh, and I'm never telling you when you act "cute funny" ever. I don't want you to stop doing it. It'd break my heart.

(And no, you'd break first. I have a brain of steel to match my stomach!)

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I do tend to swear at him when I get drunk and mistake him for you. Poor bugger…

Sports (even FOOTBALL), anime, and being naked are all things you enjoy anyway - you can't claim that was all in the name taking in the culture.

Excuse _me_, but I'm still perfectly gentle and sweet to people who deserve that sort of treatment. I've never said a wrong word to Flying Mint Bunny or Tinkerbell. And with children (those who show me an ounce of respect, at any rate) I'm a perfectly wonderful person.

So if you're so bent on seeing _me_ change, then why don't you show me how it's done? Start acting like a proper gentleman instead of an infant, and maybe I'll see _anything_ is possible.

And before you get your knickers in a twist about me insulting you there: didn't you say the true test of friendship is how horrible you can be to each other? If I changed how I act and started being nice to everyone, wouldn't it mean that something wasn't right. That I don't feel secure anymore and that I care too much about what others think? Surely it's better for me to be awful to people - that way you know I'm comfortable around everyone.

It's not at all that I'm _scared _to change. If you're implying that I'm worried that being nice will mean that people reject for who I really _am_ and not simply the horrid way I _act,_ then you're wrong. I don't know what gave you that idea.

America, all these things were true and perfectly obvious before. I don't know why you suddenly got all insecure about us and needed to talk it out, but there's no need to start treating me more nicely just because we've had a deep conversation. Nothing has changed - this is how it always was, and I thought you knew these things.

Not that I wouldn't like you to be a bit nicer, of course - I just don't want you to strain yourself trying something so novel for you.

Well, if you're going to laugh at me being "funny cute" at my expense, I might as well tell you it's damned "hilariously adorable" when you get scared of ghosts. (For the first fifteen minutes of the movie, anyway - after which, it's just annoying.) And I know you can't control that irrational fear if you tried, so take _that_. Let's see how _you_ like it.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Yeeeeah… he gets on me about that every once and awhile. It's not my damn fault. Haha.

Okay, England, I'm going to be honest here. We have had deep chats in the past, but did they ever DO anything? Did it ever make you start thinking about me differently? No? I didn't think so. Because I was never honest.

I believe we can be whoever we want to be. That's the motto I try and instill at home, and I believe it can work (to an extent) to our kind too. I COULD be that proper gentlemen or that more mature kind of guy. That's not as hard as you think it is.

But that is not who I am.

I am a laid back guy. I LIKE joking around with everyone and while it may not seem that I listen at meetings, I do. Why do you think I'm so smart? And I'm not just tootin' my own horn there. You know it, you even said so a few e-mails back.

However, I don't think YOU'RE just a grump or a stuffy old man. I know you're more than that. I don't think you have to stop being that way to everyone just so we don't freak out and think you're sick or something, but… Well. I've seen you be that smiling…cute guy that makes me keep staring at you. The point I was trying to make is that I wish…I could see it more often.

Ah, okay, that's enough cheese from me for one day. Uh, I gotta get to work, so… I'll e-mail you later.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

You're always honest, America. That's one of the things I like about you, if you must know. (Though I might be shooting myself in the foot here.) When something is important you never back down from speaking your mind, America. On ordinary days it's annoying, but when it counts, it's very refreshing and encouraging. At least to me.

I don't know why any deep chats between us would _have_ to change anything. Everything's fine the way it is, isn't it? I don't dislike you and I even, begrudgingly, respect you, so I don't think I _need _to think differently of you. What more can you want from an old friend? And I don't hate _myself_, nor do I hate the way _we_ are. And I don't think you do, either. So…what could any more deep chats or honesty get us? We're fine as we are, aren't we?

It's a good motto, America. And it's hard not to notice that people can change, either accidentally or through great effort. You don't spend a thousand years living on this planet without coming to the conclusion that "things change." Even the humans notice something as obvious as that, and they live for a fraction of the time we do.

But I…wouldn't want you to change. Not too much. I was just joking when I told you to be a gentleman - and you _know_ I was. If you _must_ have it in writing, then here: I like that you're so laidback. That you don't mind making a fool of yourself, and that you don't take yourself too seriously despite being a very important country. God knows, I was a right bastard when I had as much influence over everyone as you do. But you don't let it get to your head. I…admire that about you, I suppose.

I…don't particularly want to change right now. If it happens, then so be it. But knowing that you…don't mind me too much the way I am - that's enough for me. I'm content with that, so I don't need to change now.

Please don't call me cute or…say that you stare at me. It's not appropriate.

Sorry for the late reply. I've been busy myself, too.

* * *

_Hoshiko2_'s cents: Yay for a longer chapter! Thank you everyone who read and reviewed last chapter. We really appreciate it. See you next time!


	3. Chapter 3

_October_

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Ah man, sorry it's been so long! We had a meeting in between our last chat, right? You were a little awkward. Did I do anything to upset you? Is it these e-mails?

Uh, I wanted to address something you wrote from the last one. What I meant by you changing and such is not that I WANT you to change, but that, you know… If you ever feel upset over your actions or anything, just know that I like you the way you are. It's one of the highlights of seeing you.

Don't ever bring that up outside of this e-mail.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

No, you didn't upset me. But the fact that we've been talking so seriously online just made it awkward being around you as usual. Not that it's bad emailing you like this and being honest with each other - it's just embarrassing when we have to see each other again.

But _you_ were hardly any better: acting so polite to me and being all calm during meetings - it was bizarre!

I know that you like me the way I am. You're not a hurtful person, so when you tease me I know it's not because you genuinely hate those things about me.

Although, I must admit, hearing (or rather reading) you say that in plain words…is rather nice and oddly surprising.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hey, I wanted to send you this before I left for home, but I just wanted to let you know I read the e-mail.

I thought you said you'd like for me to be polite for a change. It's not permanent, but hey, I just thought it'd make you crack a smile. Sorry I made you all awkwardy.

Uh, so I won't be able to reply for a little while. Got a lot of work to do. I'll reply when I can, okay? Don't miss me too much!

Isn't this how we started?

Feel free to stop by and visit if it gets to be too much. Haha! :)

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I thought I _did_ want you to be polite, but as it turns out, it's just creepy. It makes it seem like you want something and you're just buttering me up. It put me on edge.

Why invent a ridiculous word like 'awkwardy' when you could actually just say 'awkward'?

You're busy? Oh. You know, it's funny but I think I actually will…miss you? A bit? Don't get me wrong, I won't be missing you entirely - it's simply been nice talking to you so often outside of our usual cycle of insults, teasing and grammar lectures. I'll miss that if and when it peters out.

But if you're busy, I won't bother you with stopping by. Might as well let you get some work done while you've got the drive to do it. Good luck with your work.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hey Artie! Just thought I'd shoot ya an e-mail since I've been gone for, like, two weeks! DAMN THESE ELECTIONS! Sometimes, I swear my people are rallying for another Civil War. Ugh... At least I have my baseball World Series to keep me sane.

Anyway, PREPARE TO BE SCARED SHITLESS THIS HALLOWEEN! MUAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE THE BEST PLAN THIS YEAR! YOU CAN'T WIN! I'd like to see you TRY!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Of course, poppet. I'll be terrified, you'll win, and the past 230-odd years of points against you don't mean a thing.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

DAMN SKIPPY! Wait, was that sarcasm, you old man? That's not very nice! Try and be a good sport, old sport. HAHA!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

It wasn't sarcasm. It was just a bold-faced lie. I don't have the time to be sarcastic when I'm so busy working on my Halloween project.

Although I don't know why on Earth I bother. I could literally drape a bed sheet over my head and shout "Boo!" and I'd win. I really don't have to go to so much trouble.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

WHAT THE?! THAT IS NOT TRUE! You're such a stinker! Be more creative than that, England! I'm going all out! And don't forget, I totally scared you shitless that one year with Russia! Don't think I can't draw on YOUR fears either! Perhaps some stinky _frogs_ will make you change your tune?

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

1. Yes it _is _true.

2. How dare you! Of course I'm not going the bed sheet route! That's no fun at all for either of us!

3. I'm not afraid of Russia. I was just horrified that he was working with you – two big infants, both slightly insane…It can't be good.

4. Frogs aren't scary. They're just disgusting.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

HMPH! You're an ass.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Come on, boy, put up a _bit_ of a fight! It's the one time of year I can really show off my sorcery skills and spend time with my magical friends without people thinking I'm insane. It's not fair that I go through all this effort to show you a good time and you can barely handle it!

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

It's not fair when you have an advantage! I'm all drained out from these elections. It's hard to focus on Halloween. Isn't it enough that I've been replying to your e-mails so quickly?

I'll try harder. Ummm... Wait, you said magic skills. PFFT! England, you do the same shit as me. It's all just smoke and mirrors. Don't kid yourself. Your special effects aren't great, especially compared to my Hollywood style effects!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Whatever helps you sleep at night, America.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Your mom helps me sleep at night.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Necrophilia, Alfred? My, my. That _is_ scary, I'll give you that. Not really the style we were going for but if the obvious and grotesque is really all you can pull off, then fair enough.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

All bets are off for Halloween, dude. I _did_ get you into that tight Robin outfit.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Yes. You did. Exploiting the universal "fear of public humiliation" was a bit low, don't you think? I think that year hardly even counted.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

You _loved_ the shit out of that outfit! Don't even joke. But I still scared you (and France because his BEARD fucking grew back)! So I won TWICE in a row!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Actually, I _did_ love that outfit. But only because I got to wear it next to you in that sexy Batman costume. Yummy.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Er... What?

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Oh, America, you must have known what an invitation that was. I _am_ the Erotic Ambassador after all – you were pretty much asking me to come after you. I know you're just being coy and pretending not to understand.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

…... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ARE YOU DRUNK AGAIN OR SOMETHING?! I totally can see right past you! This is all some silly shit you're saying, right?

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Well, I suppose you'll just have to wait and see on Halloween, won't you, poppet? I'm _so _looking forward to seeing you again. Getting you all alone, just to myself…

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Er... What makes you think we'll be alone, hmmmmm? Heh heh.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Oh, are you scared to be alone with me now? Can't face me on your own, can you. Dragging along the entire _world_ for the Halloween party so you could beat me that year, then getting Russia to help, and Japan. Come on and face me like a real man, America.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Fine! Why don't I just show up buck ass nude? Hm? )

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Oh, making it easy for me? Well, well.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hardly.

Fuck, as hilarious as this is, I have to get serious about my elections. I know Halloween is, like, in two days, but, I'm sorry. Don't think you won any of this! I _will_ finish this someday!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Tch! Fine. Obviously the "sexual predator" act is too scary for you. I'll have to cross that one off my list, too. I was going to carry it on till Halloween so you'd be too scared to come up to my house for fear of me lurking inside waiting for you, but oh well, you've had enough of it _already_.

Um, do you mean you're too busy for Halloween at all now? So you won't be coming? I only ask because it means I can stop all this extra work I've been doing for the holiday and can relax again.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

OH HELL NO! I'm still coming! And these e-mails of you undressing me or you being naked have NOTHING to do with my leaving! I _seriously_ am busy. Obama is pulling me one way and Romney pulling me the other way and even baseball isn't helping (because it ended so quick! 4 games and it's over?! Wow!) so I have to focus. I promise, I'll scare the shit out of you this year.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Oh, I'm so sure.

I never actually said the words 'undressing' or 'naked.' That's just you being a pervert. If you've been hanging around France, stop immediately before his influence goes too far.

Oh, good, so all my work isn't going to waste then. Well, I understand if you have to get back to work. I like using these emails as a way to stir up your fear and get you preemptively wetting yourself before the big day even arrives – _but _it's proving a little too much for you. Best just to leave it to the day itself maybe.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Tsh. Whatever dude. You were the one going off about my being sexy. You don't even _know_ how sexy I am. And I doubt you ever will. Too bad, so sad. :(

OK! WORK! SEE YA!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Happy Halloween, America.

I'll be waiting for you.

I wonder if you'll make it far enough to find me. My house has suddenly been surrounded by…well, you'll see when you get here.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

I half expected you to say penises, to be honest. After our last chat. Ugh, but I'm off the plane and heading over. BE PREPARED TO WET YOUR PANTS!

-sent from iPhone

* * *

_November_

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hey England! Man! It's been like a few weeks! Major suckage! How've you been? I haven't forgiven you for Halloween, by the way.

Did you know I reread your e-mails when I was bored? Does that make me creepy? The elections ending really stressed me out sometimes and I couldn't sleep, so it was a nice bedtime reading to put me to sleep. HAHA!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I've been all right, thank you. And you?

It was a fun Halloween this year. I very much enjoyed watching you try to navigate that maze around my house. One day I'll remember to get your antics on tape. But I won't harp on about it, since I can tell you're still sore about another loss to your name. Good luck next year, old boy. Never give up. _One_ day you'll scare me properly. Statistically speaking, it just _has _to be possible, right?

Since our last regular correspondence (Halloween not included, obviously) I occupied myself with sneaking my way onto the set of Doctor Who a couple of times, but I won't give you any spoilers.

I managed not to miss you too terribly; have you cracked without me yet?

I don't think re-reading my messages makes you creepy - just a tad bit sad. After all, I hardly said anything so substantial it warranted a re-read.

…Did I?

I'll ignore the comment about my personal messages putting you to sleep, wanker.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

HAH! I went without you for a lot longer than 2 months, so I'm good. Remember all those times you were gone for years? That was great when you came back and I was all grown up! You were drooling! HAHA!

Yeah yeah. You put that shit up, and I'll be Internet famous! But you can't cheat and recreate scenes from the fucking Shining. Cheater.

LUCKY! I wanna go on the set of Doctor Who! Well, I could go on the set of tons of other shows, so… Hm. Maybe I can sneak onto that set sometime.

You said enough for me. It made me smile and not feel as lonely. And so what if you think it's sad? I was busy and hardly had any free time. This was kind of like my way of getting some fun time. I gotta admit, looking back on the emails now, I can laugh about them.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

D-drooling?! I don't know _what_ you're talking about it, but it sounds…wrong. So take it back!

Looking back at those messages makes _me_ cringe, but…I still do it sometimes. Some of what you said is strangely comforting and I won't pretend it doesn't make me smile sometimes, too. You're right - it's odd, but they make me feel closer to you, even when you're across an ocean and busy working.

I hope you don't mind me bringing up our awkward and deep conversation topics again but, I have a silly question…

_Did_ you miss me?

I-I don't necessarily mean _now_, whilst you've been away busy with work. I meant, when you said you used to go without me for long periods of time as a colony…did you feel lonely without me at all, or…not? Because, I just want you to know that I missed you terribly. I don't know if that means anything now, and I know I told you so when you were little. I just wanted to make sure you still knew how true it was. Even now, when we're apart and I think of you, I get flashbacks of missing you like I used to do - it was that intense. I'm sure you were fine on your own, but just…know that I missed you and didn't find it easy to leave you behind.

Excuse the humiliating question. I…'ve been drinking! Yes, I'm very incredibly drunk right now, and you know how I always harp on about the past when I drink.

Not that I can't hold my liquor, I've just had a loooooooot to drink today.

With other people. Not by myself.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

YOU WERE TOTALLY DROOLING!

Ah, well, I'm glad I wasn't the only one to look at them, then. Canada saw me reading them and asked what it was. I didn't let him read them. Scouts honor. This is between you and me. So much of us is shared with everyone else. I like secret things between us.

Wait, that sounds a bit... weird.

Forget that.

I gotta say…it's nice to hear that you DID miss me. I always thought you forgot about me. I thought of that often, and I did cry a lot as a kid (even heroes in training cry, so it's okay). I sent you letters. Tons of 'em, but my nannies all told me they are lost and that was the only reason you never wrote back. It was only when I heard some whisper that you're too busy for me that I assumed the worst. So, while it doesn't fix the past, it does ease a lot of the bitterness that overlapped a lot of my early memories.

Ah… Yeah. I did miss you. A lot.

Hell, I still do now.

Especially if you're drunk! You must be a riot right now! Don't let France near you! I'll beat his ass if he does something bad.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

W-well, at first I wasn't sure if it was you and…and I _wasn't drooling_ anyway! Stop spouting such lies! You probably don't even remember it clearly, you were too young. You're just making things up.

I'm glad it's just between you and me. I hope you won't look down on me for saying so, but I'd be mortified if anyone saw these. It's not that they're untrue it's just that…well, people don't need to know our intimate business.

…Not _that_ kind of intimate…business…

But obviously you know that, I don't need to clarify. Silly of me.

Forget it.

Oh, Alfred, I missed you. I really did. It honestly pains me to think you didn't believe that.

I didn't get "tons" of letters from you. Are you sure you're remembering that correctly? I maybe got one or two a year, if that, and I always replied. I was too busy to write more than that, but it didn't mean I was too busy for you altogether.

I still miss you, too.

I can say that because I'm drunk. Don't think anything of it - you know how sentimental people get when they're intoxicated. It's not just me, it's everyone. They call everybody their best friend, and say they love people even if they've just met.

I'm quite sure I can handle myself around France, thank you very much! It's not something I even have to worry about.

But if you don't mind me asking, since I'm drunk and all, and you don't have to worry about me remembering it, why would you be worried about France doing something bad to me? I would have thought you'd laugh it up if he convinced me to drunkenly get a stupid tattoo or make a fool of myself in public or something?

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

You were drooling. And blushing.

And yes, I understand. I'm saying these words to YOU. Not to someone else. And if they read it, it'd be like someone eavesdropping on our conversation. Rude.

Well, I did send you a lot of letters. I didn't get that many letters in return, and after awhile, well, they stopped. That's why I thought you stopped caring for me.

Um, so are you saying that you're okay to say this because you're under the influence and that it doesn't mean anything? Because if you are, well, I hope you don't mean that…this kind of does mean something to me. And to have you take it away by debasing it and saying, "it's cool, I'm drunk. I don't normally say this, ergo I don't actually mean it", so…

And don't ask about the France thing. It's just. You know. I like to protect people- even though I know you can take care of yourself, it's just an ingrained thing I have about you.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I most certainly was not drooling _or_ blushing, and I will not keep pandering to this game of yours any longer.

As you got older and bigger, I admit that I stopped sending as many letters. I was just a little…nervous that you didn't want to hear from me as much anymore. It's one thing for a big brother to write to his little brother who misses him, but when the little brother gets older it's…well, he doesn't need that attention so much anymore. I never _stopped_ writing, though. Always a letter at Christmas on the years I couldn't be with you. If they didn't reach you it was not my fault, but somebody else interfering. Personally, I wouldn't put it past certain people who wanted us to become separate entities.

Yes, I'm "okay" to say this because I'm under the influence. That's not to say it doesn't actually mean anything.

"It's cool, I'm drunk. I don't normally say this" doesn't _need _to be followed by "ergo I don't actually mean it." It might if I were talking to a complete stranger, but to you…"In vino veritas," as they say.

At any rate, I'm nice and sober now as it's been a few days since my last reply and I've had time to recuperate. So you don't have to worry about any silly confessions from me for a while.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

A friend will always want letters.

I'm glad you're sober now.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

That's true, I suppose - even in this day and age.

By the length of your message I'm guessing you must be busy again, so I'll let you get on with your work. I'll talk to you anon, America.


	4. Chapter 4

_December_

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hey England! Long time no hear! Been busy? Ah, we haven't e-mailed in a few weeks. Still all drunk and emotional?

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Hello, America. Nice to hear from you. If I hadn't known any better I'd have thought you dropped off the planet.

Of course I'm not still all drunk and emotional! I haven't been drinking since…well, yesterday was the weekend, so I had a few - but I didn't go crazy. It's not like I always get truly pissed when there's alcohol around. (Only on special occasions.)

Have you been busy yourself, or just got tired of the deep emails? I don't mean to sound accusatory - I understand if you want to move on from those. Just wondering if I should prepare myself for more emotionally draining confessions or our usual back-and-forth ridiculing.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

You don't like them? Fine. Then I'll just go back to our regular e-mails.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

No! No, I didn't mean that, America.

I was just…nervous that that's why you stopped emailing. You know I'm not comfortable talking about things like this, especially with you - so then when you disappear for months on end, I feel like I said something wrong and you're avoiding me.

I only said something sarcastic because it was easier than saying it plainly and simply like _this_ - but I should have known you wouldn't understand my self-deprecating sense of British humour.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

I've been nervous too, you know! You think I talk all nostalgic and sappy like this normally?! Why do you think I said we are closer now than back then? Because I never would have written you…this. I'd like to write…other stuff. But. Um... Yeah...

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I should probably admit that...maybe I wasn't as drunk as I made out to be, in those emails a few weeks ago. I was just so embarrassed to ask those types of questions, so I decided to have a little fun to help facilitate my side of our deep conversation. But it was cowardly of me. You were nervous, too, and yet you still tried to be honest with me without resorting to tricks. I'm sorry to have lied. If you're being so open about our friendship, I should try, too.

You don't need to be nervous about talking to me, America. I know you're certainly not the one to wax nostalgic, but you're a little sappier than I am, so I didn't realise you felt as shy about it as I did. But I promise you, I'm always here to listen to you and support you if you need me - I'll never push you away, even if I pretend to with my words. You should know by now not to listen to everything I say.

By this "other stuff", if you mean that you have a problem you want to talk about, just know that I'm here. I know our countries are very different, so I probably can't help give you any perfect business advice, but if something's troubling you, I want to help as best I can.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

You. I really don't know how to react to that, you know? Just. Well. At least you told the truth. I want to be angry with you, but I can understand why you'd lie. You do that often when you feel a little bit threatened or scared. And since we've been getting all close and such, well, you already were awkward with me at the meeting. I forgive you. Just, don't ever do that again. I won't be so nice next time. ;)

It's…well there's a lot of things going on in my head right now. It's hard to explain. It's not your fault and our conversations haven't brought it out so don't think you did anything. To be honest, it's been this way for me for awhile. I think only Canada knows and he only has half the story. I think he could figure it out, though.

Oh, I rambled. Uh, you think that I'm tougher about emotions because I'm blunt? Is that what you meant? I get that a lot, but you'd be surprised. I'm actually a pretty emotional guy. I just don't like to show it. I'm more about action because crying or whining or whatever instead of acting gets you nowhere. I'd rather be productive than sit around and lament about shit.

You kind of inadvertently taught me that, you know.

And my problem isn't financial or economical. Thanks. I…might talk about it with you someday.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I'm glad you don't sound particularly troubled by all these things going on in your head. But still, it sounds as if they're occupying and draining a lot of your energy. If you need to rant, just let me know. God knows, I do it often enough that I should return the favour.

Canada is very good about listening to problems, isn't he? I know I often go to him when I need to talk "at" somebody. I don't tell him the whole truth, yet he doesn't press me for more details than those which I'm comfortable giving him. And even though he easily pieces things together, he respects my privacy and pretends he doesn't understand fully what I'm talking about it. Such a lovely boy.

I admit that I go to France and Portugal with such issues, too - but France just teases me, and Portugal gives me advice I don't want to take. Fair enough, that's how we behave with each other - but I prefer just venting to Canada and knowing I'm safe from all that.

Excuse _me_, but you cry and whine enough for an Italy brother. I appreciate that it's often in jest, but still.

I think that you're more open about emotions because that's a very American trait. I've seen it in your people as well as you. I hear you say "I love you, buddy" to all and sundry, and you don't mind hugging and being affectionate. I thought that that openness was a reflection of a confident, tough approach to emotions on the inside, too, but it seems that you're more reticent than your outward actions let on. (Nice to know you take after me a little.)

Even if you choose not to talk to me about your problem, I just hope you understand that I'm here for you if you ever need me. If I may just borrow some of your outward boldness when it comes to being affectionate: I care about you very much, and I don't want you ever to doubt that.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

I wouldn't say I'm not troubled by them, but given that it's been a problem for a long, long time, it's easy for me to ignore it. Enough to function, that is. I don't see it getting better anytime soon given certain circumstances, but there's always hope.

Thanks for offering yourself to help or listen, but. Well. I dunno. It's hard to explain. And I'm nervous.

Canada is that pal that just listens and doesn't judge or pity. He usually gives me advice, but I ignore it. Japan's advice is the best for me. It makes more sense. He kind of gives it to me like in a video game format. It sounds funny, but it really works for me.

You know…if you ever want to vent… I'm here too.

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm much more open than most of us nations, but there are still things I hide. I do get scared and hide and bottle things up. There are just some things about a man that can't be pulled out, and this is just one of 'em.

But… I'm relieved and happy to know you care about me. I know I haven't said it in a long time, but… I care about you too. More than you know.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I know you're claiming that it's not a big deal (which it honestly might not be), but when you say it's been going on for a long time, and that it won't get better, it still makes me worried. I'm sure that's only me being a mother hen, but just promise me you're really okay, America? I won't judge you if you're not. We all have groups of people in our nation that cause us grief, but things _will_ get better. You don't need to be nervous to talk to me.

But I'm not nagging you to tell me. I completely understand if you want to keep it to yourself, as I mostly do the same. Just promise me that you're really all right?

I suppose if I expect you to feel comfortable venting to me, I should do the same with you. But the problem I have is…well, it's simultaneously a common problem for nations and very unusual, indeed. I don't feel comfortable talking about it because it's so private and personal, and I don't plan on ever doing anything about, so advice isn't necessary. And I worry that when I _do_ talk about it, people don't take it as seriously as I do. It's just…something nobody else can really understand. As you said about your own problem: it's hard to explain. You really have to _feel_ it to understand (as ridiculous as that sounds).

And like you, my issue has been around a long time, and I've learnt to just get on with my life, and try not to dwell on it.

I…wonder if…you have the same issue as me?

But, no, never mind. I'm not belittling your issues, at all, but I just doubt it.

Funny, though, I'd never thought about that before. It's just that when you wrote "There are just some things about a man that can't be pulled out" I suddenly realised…maybe you are more like me than I know?

I'm so happy to hear that, America. You don't need to say it for me to know - I may act like I think you hate me, but I know you don't, really. I know we care about each other, no matter what.

But it's nice to be able to see it in words. I may have to…go back and read that again sometimes.

Only when you make fun of my cooking and so on. I can go back and read that and think "It's okay. America cares about me more than I know."

Well, that…sounds a little…intense, when I put it that way. But I know what you really mean. And it makes me so happy, America.

I dare say I feel the same about you.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Ah, how I wish it was someone in my nation, or even a group of peoples. Don't get me wrong, certain issues and parties and religious groups are stabbing me in the side, but things like that can go away over time (look at slavery and segregation), but this. Well, I don't see it improving anytime soon, no matter what I do. So, sorry if I can't come clean with you on this issue.

But thanks for the encouragement and the support. And for saying you won't judge me. That makes a difference.

Well, gee, I'm curious to know what's bothering you, but I won't push. But just know, I'll be here to listen or give advice or go and beat someone over the head to protect you, or whatever you want! I'm here for you! I know we haven't always been there for each other, but maybe we can put all of that behind us and start anew. So, starting now, I'll always be there for you.

…That didn't sound too much like a love declaration, did it?

NOT THAT I WAS AIMING FOR THAT! HAHAHA! That'd be silly, right?

Uh, hey, just so you know… I take most everything you say seriously. So if you ever talked to me about your problem, I would give you the same kind of respect you (sometimes/usually) give me. Treat others the way you wanna be treated. I (try) to live by that. Haha. :P

It's good to hear you care about me so much. Just know that my calling you names are just terms of endearment. I mean, look how many others I call old man. None, right? Exactly. ;)

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

It's another nation? America, if someone is bothering you that much, for that long, it's best not to let it fester. Even we nations can make silly decisions based on personal grievances. (I'll grudgingly admit that maybe some of my many wars with France were encouraged out of spite…)

I'm not saying you'd start a war over this, but it's not healthy for you or your country to let somebody else affect you that deeply.

I'm here to protect you, too. Not just as England, during political problems - but as Arthur Kirkland, when things get personal. If an individual (be it human or nation) is bothering Alfred F. Jones, then I would be honoured to sort them out for you. I want to protect you, too. Old habits, and all that. (Plus, it would be nice to show you I can stick up fo you, the way you've done for me in the past.)

Again, I won't push you to explain the issue to me, and thank you for returning the favour. But I will bash some heads in if you want me to. Just say the word - you don't even need to give me details.

Not that I'm naturally violent, this is just _you_ we're talking about.

I…don't think "I'll always be there for you" necessarily sounds like a love declaration. It could be perfectly platonic. I'll say it, too, just to make you feel better.

I'll always be there for you, America. And Alfred, too.

But right, that _would_ be silly if I thought you were sending me a love confession. Haha! How absurd!

Yes, I would…like it very much if we could put all our miscommunications behind us. I can call you a wanker and tell you off for eating too much fast food - and you'll know I'm just playing because I like arguing with you the way nobody else is allowed to do. And you can call me old and tease me about unicorns and I won't have to worry I took a step too far and you really hate me now - I'll know you were just trying to make me pay attention to you.

It will be nice not to have to pretend that we don't care about each other, just for the sake of saving face. And it will feel such a relief to know we can be honest and sincere without the risk of ridicule.

For example, I'd love it if you knew you mean the world to me. And that you were okay with it.

I hope that didn't sound too much like a love declaration, either.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Oh. Good. A-about it not sounding like a love declaration. Yes. Haha!

Oh, don't worry about another nation hurting me. It's not…pain. Well, it is, but not in a way I can't handle. I couldn't at first. I was, well, you know, a bit upset at first, and had to distance myself from them for awhile, and now things are ok. Things actually seem to be getting better for us. So… Who knows! Maybe there's hope for us! Or just me.

To be honest, I don't have to have my problem solved. I just want the other nation to be happy. Even if I'm not part of the picture.

Oh man, us poking fun at each other and NOT going home all upset? That's gonna be weird, but… I totally love it! It's kind of been my dream to have us get to this point.

Not that I think deeply about these things. It was just a passing thought that kind of grew into something more.

Wait. That sounds worse.

Okay, gonna end this before I sound even more stupid than before.

Arthur, as Alfred and America, I will put aside anything for you. Anything. (Unless its another terrorist attack in my home…) If you're in a pinch, rest easy. The whole of the US is at your back. That…and I will personally be at your side. Anything to make you smile again.

…wait. That still sounded…

I'm gonna go.


	5. Chapter 5

_December_

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

America, I apologise in advance if this sounds ridiculous but…are you in love?

I only ask because…well, in my experience, a nation falling in love can be even more depressing and stressful than a human falling in love - and that's already dramatic enough as it is. So, although the depressing things you're talking about sound like they could be about facing an enemy…for us, that's kind of the same thing as being in love sometimes.

I'm sorry if I've got completely the wrong end of the stick here. I don't necessarily _think_ that you're talking about love, I was just…checking.

And, of course, if you don't want to tell me, then please feel free to ask me to shut up, just this once. I have no business interfering with your problems, even if we're trying to be better friends to each other now. As a friend, I should just offer support if you need it, not try to pry. If you want to keep it to yourself, I understand.

It's your dream to have us be so comfortable with each other? I'm rather amazed because…well, I've always wanted that, too. Ever since…we drifted apart before. I've wished we could be close again, even if it's not the same as before. I just feel like…I'm not meant to be without you.

That last speech: I know you thought it sounded "…" but, to me (since we're being honest and all these days)…it sounded like something a real hero would say.

Don't let that get to your head! I'm not trying to encourage your ridiculous hero complex. I'm just saying that _that_, what you just described, is what a hero really is, America. You made me feel…um, safe, but that sounds a bit…odd. But you know what I mean. It wasn't about you ranting about superpowers or taking on evil, you were just promising to be there for me.

And that's all anyone can really ask of a true hero.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Love?

France once told me that nations don't and can't love. We equate love with other nations as…trust. Complete trust. If you want to call it love then… No. I'm not fully in love. I…have a huge crush, that's for sure. But it's never going to happen and that's okay. How it is between us now is fine. I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

Especially since you just said I was a hero! Like a full on one! HAHA! I don't need the praise, but it's nice when it comes. It really makes it all worth it. The real treasure, though, is achieving my goal. So, did you smile?

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I don't care what France said about it.

What do _you_ think?

I agree with him that love goes more or less hand in hand with complete trust, and that can never happen for nations. Two nations can never become one like that - not by mutual choice.

So in that way, no: nations can't love.

That doesn't mean that they _don't_, though.

There may not be that trust that lets a nation get as close to another as they would wish to.

But that doesn't mean your heart isn't going to take over as much of you as it can, and make you _want_ that trust. Make you pine for it, and long for it, but be terrified of it and hate the idea all at the same time. Who wants to let themselves give in like that? Nobody, least of all proud nations like us.

But your heart doesn't care what you _want_. It'll push love on you anyway, no matter how much you wish you could resist.

I know you didn't ask for my advice, and you may very well be thinking the same thing but for what it's worth…I think it's best if nothing _does_ happen with this crush. Relationships between nations are a bad idea. They can be based on something as superficial as lust or attraction - or something deep like respect, friendship, or even love itself. Nothing will work. It can't work between us. Us, nations, I mean.

I'm glad that you're happy with the way things are between the two of you right now. And I'm sorry if your feelings have given you so much grief. You deserve better than that. But as a nation, I'm afraid that's just how it is. That's why nations have to be such strong people, and I know someone like Alfred F. Jones can handle this burden.

I didn't say it just to praise you. I meant it.

I'm sorry, but I didn't smile. I was too touched to do something as meagre as smile.

I _did_ go a little wide-eyed with surprise and maybe…blushed a little - but don't be mistaken, it wasn't because of _you_. It's only because nobody has ever said such embarrassing and…mushy things to me before!

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

I already told you-no. I don't think it's love. I think it's just…

They inspire me, this other nation. I look up to them like no one else. They wow me almost every time we meet. They make me laugh and think deeply about myself all in the same sitting. They are incredible.

To be honest, they're my hero.

Man, that does sound like love.

I know it can't work. I've told myself that for dec-years. A long time.

But there's still this tiny part of me that wants it to happen. That imagines a lovely scene of us walking down a lane somewhere on my East Coast during fall when the leaves are red, holding hands, and being so …complete! I want that-fucking crave it!

So to tell myself daily that it can never be is so… Shitty.

It sounds to me like you've had experience with this kinda stuff before. Care to explain? I've gushed enough.

Ah man! No smile?! Gotta try harder! Blush is a good door prize, but I want the whole shebang!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I know you said it wasn't love. I meant…do you think nations _can_ love? Even if we don't get to be together because it's impossible, do you think it's possible for one of us to truly fall in love despite ourselves, even if it's unrequited?

Or is that just deluded - glorifying a crush or lust, to make yourself feel better about wanting another person so desperately?

Well, America, I would never have expected you to be so humbled by another country. You're the _United States_ - it hadn't even occurred to me that you could have people you look up to and admire like that. I'm…a little jealous someone has managed to interest you so much. After all, they must be very special indeed if they can make _America_, of all nations, feel that way.

I won't try and figure out who it is, but I _am_ curious who is secretly so wonderful that they've managed to capture your eye like that. I must be more conceited than I thought, because I can't think of any nations I know who are worthy of such praise.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up something painful like the fact that relationships are impossible for us. You deserve more, you really do. Somebody should always be in love with you, honoured to be important to you, excited to spend an evening or happy weekend with you. You should get to experience that, America. (I suppose we _all_ should, really.)

I know you have to tell yourself that you can't _have_ it, but don't ever let yourself believe that you don't _deserve_ it.

It's only because it's impossible. It's not because you're not worth it. I'm sure that, whomever they are, this other person would want nothing more than to have those golden afternoon walks with you, too.

I have never really had this problem _before_.

I have it now, though.

You seem very taken with this other nation, and, well, I'm in the same boat. There's somebody that makes me crave for the simple, impossible life, too.

Well, if you want me to smile, I could just tell you I did?

But, to be frank, if a smile is what you're aiming for then telling me about the person you care about so much, isn't really something that makes me want to laugh out loud, I'm afraid. I don't mean to belittle your feelings, of course. It's just hearing you wax on is not so _amusing_ to me. B-because I feel bad that you're sad, of course. It's…just not a pleasant situation for anyone.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Sometimes I think it can't work because of me. Believe it or not, I sometimes have bad thoughts about myself too. I think of how fat and stupid I can be, or how much I fucked something up, when everyone claims it's so easy. So sometimes I think I don't deserve their love. That even if I said anything, they would laugh in my face, and all I would do is smile back because I went and fucked something up again. I can handle hearing my own people put me down-they do it a lot these days, but to have that person… I don't think I could recover.

But I also think that they deserve better, and if I'm not enough then that's ok too. They've lived longer and gone through so much b.s. in their life. I want to just reach into their soul and hold them close. Protect them from all the crap. They think I don't know their history all that great, but I do. And there's never been anyone I have wanted to protect more than…them.

Man I'm a sap.

But England, you deserve it too. More than me even. You're a nation of beautiful poetry and literature. Someone should read that to you until you melt. Hold an umbrella over your head when it rains and snuggle up to you on cold nights. I want so badly to…find that someone for you. Because. Well. Um.

You're my pal! And friends look out for each other. And if you have someone you love, but can't be with them, then…! It's my mission now to find you someone that you CAN be with!

Yup. My mind's made up. Don't try and stop me!

And don't be too jealous. This nation pisses me off sometimes. Like seriously makes me mad. We fight often and poke fun at each other. Lately we've thawed in our relationship compared to what it used to be, but we're still cold towards each other. He can be a real ass, know-it-all, heartless dick. Sometimes I wonder why I like him so damn much.

…and I totally used "he" just because! It might NOT be a guy! Yup! Haha!

England, I wanna know what troubles you. Don't be sad for me, ok? I'm a big boy. I can handle it. But you… Well you can handle it too, but if I could help.

As for if a nation can love. Well…I'd sure love to think so. I would love to be that open to someone. It'd be nice… I think given that I even WANT to…it can happen. What about you?

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Alfred, don't ever think that. Please. It really hurts me to think you would ever doubt yourself for a moment.

Modesty is good, so it's a positive thing to know that you're not perfect. Nobody is, so nobody should be without those moments of self-awareness where you realise you can always improve yourself. For what it's worth, I don't think you need to try too hard, though. Yes, we could all probably do with improving ourselves but, as I said before, I rather like you just the way you are.

As for the particular worries you mentioned: you're most certainly not stupid. You act like a loon because you find it fun. That's entirely different to being stupid.

And you're not fat. I know that people's attitude towards eating and self-image can be a tricky and personal topic, but don't let yourself believe that eating and enjoying food is a negative thing. Because that implies "fat" is a terrible thing. It's not. It's just a natural outcome of eating, not a reflection of a person's inferior inner worth.

If you feel that your eating habits are making you unhealthy and unhappy then you can change them in order to improve your lifestyle - it shouldn't be because you just don't want to be fat.

And if you think growing a little bigger round the middle would make the object of your affection feel that you don't deserve them, then let me tell you: they are not worth a second of your time.

I almost wish that, just for a moment, you could look in the mirror and see what I see when I look at you.

Even if, by some insane chance, he (or she) didn't love you back, if they are the type of person who would laugh in your face then you should be able to turn your back on them with ease, knowing you were wrong about them.

If they don't feel the same way, they should still be the type of person who will cherish your friendship, and be honoured that you care so much about them.

Nobody could deserve _better_ than you. Nobody is worth less than anyone else. Least of all you.

I feel I can give this sentimental, "teen drama series" speech because you're clearly a sap, too. I don't necessarily think my words can be enough to make you feel right as rain. I'm just England, after all. But I hope that they give you some small form of encouragement, at least.

I suppose I must have given away a lot in these emails if you realise that those dreadfully gooey, romantic scenarios are actually something I would enjoy. I may or may not let myself indulge in those little types of daydreams sometimes.

I appreciate you trying to find somebody for me but…well, as I said: I have found someone. We can never be together, but that doesn't mean I can just…_stop_ loving him, simply because it would be easier to be with someone else. I know I would have more fun and could possibly even be a bit happy if I were with someone else for a while. But I would never be able to feel anything for them, when all my heart belongs to that other person. I'd rather be unhappy, and stay true to my love, than go off with someone else.

The best romances are tragedies, after all.

He (or she) sounds like a right wanker the way you describe them sometimes. I'm rather confused as to what you see in them - but, then again, I'm in a similar situation myself. After all, I get annoyed by _everyone_ so it's only logical that the person I secretly like is someone I argue with a lot.

What do I think about it?

I think nations can love. I know it's vain of me to say this but, from experience, I _know_ we can love.


	6. Chapter 6

_December_

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

I've had some time to think about what you said and. You're right. I don't want to believe that he/she could or would actually laugh at me, but you just never know. It's painful to think that someone you care deeply for could ever be that cruel, but that's the reality of things. How I wish people were really as kind as they try to be. It's hard and not many can do it, but it's possible.

Sometimes I think you're really that kind.

You know, I've bared my soul to you a lot. It's time you give it a shot. You seem more relaxed these days. Am I helping any? I really hope so!

Hey, random question. Are you a fall or a winter kind of guy?

And you're also right about the eating/weight thing. I've started eating better, but I still eat my donuts and burgers and drink my shakes. I don't think I could ever drop those habits.

Are you saying you like me pudgy? Oh Arthur. I had no idea. ;)

Tell me about this love interest. They sound intriguing. You say you're jealous someone could capture my interest, well the same can totally be said about you. You, the country of splendid isolation and the scathing critic. Everyone at meetings talk about how lonely and bitter you are, and that you like being alone. I know that's not true. No one could like that. Least of all you.

I still remember how much you loved to cuddle with me when I was young, almost like you had never hugged someone that close and you never would again. No one who is that affectionate could possibly be a lover of loneliness.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

For what it's worth, I don't think he/she would laugh at you. You're the United States, nobody is going to laugh at you if you tell them you like them.

As for myself, I know the other person wouldn't laugh. But I can imagine the pitying, patronising look that would come across their face as they said "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way. I'm flattered, but I just want to be friends. Our friendships is really important to me", etc. etc. I know they'd mean well, but…the look on their face. It makes me cringe and shrivel up inside just thinking about it.

I'm not that kind. A brief glance at any history book will tell you that. I admit that as Arthur I'm a little more peaceful than as England, but I hardly ever seem to have time to just be Arthur these days. It's funny: I used to hate it when I had no work to do, and was forced to just be Arthur for a while. Now I wish I had more time to myself.

I don't know if I'm more relaxed but I am…happier. As silly as that seems. Just from us having a little heart-to-heart, saying things we mostly already knew all along - it has made me feel a lot more content and…just, better about everything, I suppose. I find myself able to take on more at work, be more confident in meetings with both humans and nations, and be more like myself than I have felt for a while, I suppose. Our friendship is one of the things I value most, so having it cemented in words over online messages seems to have made rather an impact lately.

I'm definitely more of an _Autumn _person. It may just be my favourite season, although I also love spring.

I-I'm _not_ saying I like you pudgy! Well, that is to say, I don't _not_ like you pudgy - being chubby isn't bad.

But no! I don't mean that either. It's all coming out wrong!

What I _mean_ is that I don't like you _that way_ at all. Not that you should feel bad about your self image. If I liked you, I'd like you no matter what. But I don't like you, so it's not an issue!

My love interest, eh?

Well, they _are_ interesting.

Stupid and arrogant, but innovative and modest.

Irritating and selfish, but good-natured and well-meaning.

And very, very handsome.

It's telling enough that yes, I suppose they have worked their way under my skin, despite how critical and cold I can be to everyone around me. So you can imagine they must be a rather unique individual.

You know, I always believed I loved loneliness as much as I said. Even up to now, that's what I thought.

I had never realised that the way I liked to cuddle and hug and fawn over you when you were younger revealed something different. This is honestly the first time the thought has ever occurred to me.

Maybe my actions speak louder than my words.

I didn't notice what you did, America. It's a scary thought, but…maybe you know pieces of me a little better than I know myself?

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

England, people laugh at me. All of the fucking time. Behind my back or to my face, they do it. I'm used to it and brush it all off. If I didn't, I should just hand over my title as Super Power, hell, even stop being a nation in general because I need thicker skin than that.

But this nation, this particular guy (or gal) would break me if they laughed at me after I confessed. I don't think I could recoup. Great Depression and Great Recession be damned- this would be a DeCession!

And that scares me. That someone else, someone that is not my citizen, someone who I want to be close to and open up to… might reject me. That I could be worthless to them, a laughing stock, because sometimes I know I'm an idiot, but fuck if I don't also know I deserve love. Only… I want love from only them. I don't care if others laugh at me, hate me, or wish I had never been founded. Fuck 'em.

But if they ever felt that way…

I know that look you're talking about.

I know because you've given me that look before.

Well no one's kind when they're first founded. Look at my early years. :/

But you are kind, England. As Arthur or England, whatever. You are a kind person/nation. You've definitely calmed your ass down since your empire days, but even then, when we first met, I knew you to be a kind and lonely guy. I think that's why we bonded as we did. I felt a pull to you, like a kindred spirit.

Sometimes I still do.

In that sense, I look up to your empire ways, and how you handled it when people made fun of you and hated you. It gets me through the bad days, lemme tell you. And if you can't read between the lines, yes, that means I look up to you. But only just a little bit.

And if you want time to yourself, any of my states are open to ya if you need a vacation! You've always loved New York in the winter.

I'm happier too! It's not silly! It's good! As nations we should take any chance we can to find happiness! But it's really great to hear you feel you can be yourself these days. There's nothing better, huh? I'm rarely anyone else, but sometimes it's nice to have a mask on or to roll my sleeves down over my heart, you know? But then again, no one really knows when I'm faking and when I'm me, so that works out!

Of course, it's great to see you're calmer. Makes it easier to talk with you at meetings. And I gotta say, seeing those eyebrows of yours not mess up your forehead is an altogether new sight. Not in a bad way! In a good way! Because, you know, it's good to see you relax. Not for any other reason!

I can see you being a fall kinda guy easily. You just seem the type to walk down a row of trees as they sprinkle red leaves on the ground, wearing a long coat, and smiling as you stop to admire the scenery. Or just enjoy the brisk air as you read a book on a bench.

…..UM WHAT?!

Where'd THAT come from?!

And hey, don't make fun of me! I can be pudgy if I want! It's nearing winter and I need to put on my winter coat, you know?! It keeps me warmer! And then my New Years Resolution can be the same as it always is every year- TO LOSE WEIGHT! SO TAKE THAT!

Besides, you're so small and scrawny.

…NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT! It's actually a great tactic. Fool people to think you're weak or something, and then you turn around to kick some ass. It's awesome.

Well, you know.

No. No, it is awesome. You're awesome, England.

Well, shit. There goes my first guesses as to who you liked. This entire time I thought it was Japan, but then you said arrogant and stupid and selfish and I tossed that out the window. It…can't be France…can it…?

I'm not trying to figure it out, but it helps if I know the closest type of guy (or gal) that you like so I can find you your sub-lover. That sounds like a complimentary prize. "Sorry you lost out on that trip around the world. Here's a watch." But I guess that's the best we can do…?

Wait, did I make THE England have an epiphany about himself?! A REVELATION?! Holy shit, I feel like the smartest fucker who ever lived! OH YES!

Thanks, England. I was in a fucking pissed off mood today and you really cheered me up. Really, thank you.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Just an incredibly random question because I suddenly thought of it and I want to write it before I lose my ner- before I lose my train of thought, but um.

… What would you do if I, say, just totally out of the blue and nowhere and for no reason other than face value just suddenly

hugged you?

Like not a bro-hug like I do with Canada or France, or even a half-hearted one I give to Japan (Lord knows he hates physical contact), but I mean like a true hug. One I haven't given you since I was like, 85 years old?

And remember, this is all just a totally hypothetical question!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

People laugh at you because you _purposefully_ and _willingly_ act like a moron. It would be one thing if you really _were_ stupid and we laughed because you couldn't keep up with us. But that's not the case. Yes, sometimes you say idiotic things - we all do. It's not like the rest of us are all fountains of wisdom and good ideas all the time.

But even those who laugh at you when you start spouting nonsense about planet-sized robots to shield us from global warming - they would be stunned and humbled if they found out that at a superpower like you looked up to and wanted them in such a way. A lot of responsibility would come with being so important to you - it's a serious issue, and no one would take it lightly.

Besides, I also meant…you're not the worst looking person around, so it's not like they're going to laugh in the face of a man whom anyone would be proud to show off.

Rejection is scary, America. I understand that only too well. Especially when it's another nation. Someone who, by all natural laws and logic, should not mean that much to you. We're fundamentally separate people - islands, all of us, no matter whether we're attached to other countries by land. And yet, for some reason, nature decides to fuck itself and make us long for someone who has every right - nay, _instinct_ - to reject us, because we are not _supposed_ to be important to them.

They might reject you, yes. But I'll tell you again, and as many times as you need me to say it for it to sink into through thick skull of yours: you're wonderful and nobody would laugh at you for confessing your love to them. I don't believe you're foolish enough to have fallen for someone who would react in such a terrible way. You say that you've grown closer to them in recent times, so they obviously value your friendship, too. They wouldn't laugh, America.

Well, excuse _me_ for giving pitying looks to you before. It can't be helped sometimes, especially when an older person deals with someone younger. It's unavoidable. But it's not as if I gave you the look whilst rejecting a love confession - that's what I was talking about.

You always were a strange child, America. Able to look at someone like me and think "Now there's the kind of man I want to take care of me."

No preservation instincts at all…

I enjoyed being an empire. I know I shouldn't look back on it with _pride_, because my behaviour towards and treatment of others was very bad. But it was fun, nonetheless. I'm glad you don't hate me for those years, as I know many others still hold a grudge.

New York grows busier and louder every day. I think somewhere quiet and relaxing would be best for me after such a hectic few years. And all that money spent on the Olympics - I tell you, I still feel physically drained, like humans do after a long day of shopping.

Come now, nobody knows more about masks and putting your heart safely away to one side than I do.

I'd like to think I know sometimes when you're faking and being honest. But I've learnt so much more about you recently that I almost don't know which way is up and which is down. I don't think I've pegged you all that wrong, but still, maybe I can see new things with all this new information. I'll be watching you closely at our next world meeting - I'll make notes, and you can tell me if I'm right or wrong about you. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing it because you're that interesting. It's simply that _anything_ is better than paying attention to those boring lectures…)

That Autumn scene you described: I'd be inclined to think _you_ had been watching _me_, except I don't remember the last time we saw each other casually in Autumn.

Japan? Good Lord, no. We are far too similar in all the wrong ways, and different in the most complicated ways, for that ever to work. We'd just sit quietly and drink tea without ever speaking, which would be dull in a romantic relationship. And then our cultures are just too different for us to ever truly be able to understand one another, which is vital.

I will pretend you never suggested France. If you ever bring that up again, I will personally see to it that you regret it for an impossibly long time.

I already told you I don't _want_ a substitute-lover. Would _you_ want one? If you even remotely considered it, then I guess it really is just a crush for you. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, of course. I mean, I wouldn't want you to be in unrequited near-love for too long. But still, being able to trade in one person for another is insulting to both you _and_ the object of your affections.

It was a little epiphany. Not a particularly nice one, since I started wondering: am I really lonely? Was I always lonely? Do really need somebody else that badly to make me feel content? It's a scary thought. I always thought I was good enough to be able to manage on my own. I'm an intelligent, unique, witty and handsome individual - if even _I'm_ bored of my own company that's not very encouraging.

I'm glad I could cheer you up. If you don't mind my asking: why were you pissed off? Anything feasible I can do to help?

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Sorry, I didn't get this message until after I'd sent my previous one. So excuse the double reply.

From the long-winded explanation I'm assuming you don't mean one of your deliberately annoying tackle-hugs, either?

Just…a real hug? Sort of like…an embrace?

If, in this hypothetical situation, we were not in the middle of a meeting or around anybody else, then…my hypothetical self wouldn't mind too much. Especially if he thought it was something you really wanted to do.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

…What if sometimes I just want to act like an idiot because it makes me feel good? Because I like to just kick back and have fun. It sucks that people just want to take stabs at me when I let my guard down. Why are people so fucking rude?

…That's why I want to be with someone I know I can be a moron with and not get made fun of.

Sometimes I think you're wrong about that. You're someone to be treated with respect. I mean look at that history and all of those riches and just damn England.

And then there's me.

Ah, but I know I'm awesome. I know that I'm fucking fantastic for a nation who's been around for a lot less than most nations. But most people don't see it that way. I'm just the meteor in the universe zipping along, blazing everyone in his path and… And… Where was I going with this?

Sorry, I totally thought I was being smart for a minute there.

Would you be proud to show me off?

I guess that's what they call love. You can't control it and- HEY! I guess that means we CAN love! Wow, look at that England! I dunno why, but that's a huge load off my mind!

And what if we actually ARE to be important to someone that's not one of our people? I mean, think about it. Who put down that we can't be with another nation? Is there a law I missed somewhere? I know they've never mentioned it at a UN or G8 meeting. "And next on our agenda is the law regarding nations inability to love one another." Is it all just us saying that to one another to make us run away from everyone?

Well, gee, if you're so sure they won't laugh at you, what makes you think this nation would look at you that way? If they do, then fuck them! No one should look at you for anything less than what you deserve which is full of love and kindness and-

AH WAIT! I TOTALLY FORGOT I HAD A MEETING! GOTTA GO!

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Okay, I'm back from the meeting and I wanted to address the final bits of your e-mail. Sorry for the double post of my own.

So…even though you learned all of these things about me and all of those ideas were tossed out the window…am I still okay? Like, is that okay that you know these things? And trust me, I don't… I'm not that interesting.

No, I haven't seen you like that in the fall. And I totally didn't think of a scene like that with you in it! Nope!

I'm kind of glad it's not Japan. Not for any other reason than… it would be weird to hook up my best friend with…my oldest friend. Haha!

And I'm even happier it's not France! I hear often that you guys fight to hide sexual tension, kind of why we fight, but I always laugh it off. I'm glad to hear there's no truth behind it!

W-well, no I could never substitute the person I like. I just… I just want you happy.

And, to be honest, no one can replace this nation. Not even close. There's no one like him in the world.

Or her.

To wrap this up, England, wanting to be with someone and realizing you don't like being alone is different than being weak and lonely. You can still be an independent, tough nation who takes no bull and no shit, and still want to be with someone. That doesn't make you less of a nation. That makes you bigger to put yourself out there to want to be with someone, especially another nation. Weren't you the one who just said it's near impossible to love another nation? So you're fighting something that's apparently extremely hard to do.

That's not "not good enough".

And I was just pissed off because of shit at home. I don't wanna get into it. It's nice to just fall into these e-mails and relax.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

When you suggest ridiculous things in meeting I know it's just because you're trying to get a rise out of everyone, or because it's more fun for you to make a PowerPoint presentation about giant robots than it is to make one about the dry topic of solar energy or what have you for the thousandth time.

The others all know this, too. We'd be the same in your shoes. But when we were young nations we didn't have to sit through meetings and make presentations. If we wanted to have some fun, we'd just go and start a fight.

Don't you think I might have put on a pitying, patronising look to hide how hurt I was? I know it's not mature of me, but maybe I wanted to shame you into staying, or make you feel guiltier, at least. I'm not saying I didn't pity you for what I thought was a bad decision, but I remember that moment well, and how hard I had to try to get through it. The tea thing was only the tip of the iceberg, I assure you.

I! Of _course_ I wouldn't be proud! assuming we went on a date or something ridiculous, you'd no doubt be jumping around like a mad arse and being loud and obnoxious and making me look like a fool by association.

Yes, I'd be with someone…attractive, but people would be more likely to notice your childish behaviour than your looks. I'm sure they'd just plain feel sorry for me.

What's what they call love? I can't remember what I said - what did I do to convince you?

Not that I want you to be convinced that you're in love with someone.

B-Because obviously that's just painful for you!

I didn't think we needed to confirm it to each other. There's no rule saying that we can't possibly love one another. There's just a collective understanding that…no relationship between any of us could ever work so well that it didn't have disastrous consequences.

There's no particular rule saying that we're not allowed. We just all long ago decided that…we shouldn't, and wouldn't.

We may be running away from each other. But…that's better than the alternative, isn't it?

I know they would look at me like that because…well, there's many reasons. And on top of all of them, they like somebody else, anyway.

But New York is such a densely populated state. I like middle-of-nowhere, especially in America so I don't have to be surrounded by 'drive-through everything' all the time.

I don't think that _everything_ was tossed out the window! I've still known and been close to you for a long enough time America. There are just some new things. And I'm not ever unhappy to learn more about you.

It's more than okay. You're fine.

Um. A-America? Sorry, but, I think I've misread something you said.

You wrote: "I hear often that you guys [France and England] fight to hide sexual tension, kind of why we fight…"

Just…wondering…about that.

I'm sure I've got it wrong, and I'll feel absolutely stupid when you point it out to me. It's not that I…

Well, anyway. Maybe when you say "kind of why _we_ fight" do you mean 'we' as in "you and France?" Personally, I didn't know there was any sexual tension on your part there but, of course, France is drawn to everyone and anyone.

If it's a "he" that you like, America, don't worry. It's a "he" for me, too.

I don't know what you're so worried about, admitting that. You know none of us give a flying toss about the humans' silly preoccupation with sexuality. I have to assume it's because you're worried it will make it easier for me to guess - but honestly, there's a ridiculously higher proportion of male nations than female. It doesn't exactly give me any clues.

I really appreciate what you're saying about loneliness not being weak. But my problem is I can't figure out if I'm actually lonely. I only ever wanted to be with someone when it was you.

I-I mean, I'm not talking about _now_! I meant, when you were little. Yes, I wanted to be close to you and that's rather telling that maybe I was lonely. But…I didn't really snatch the opportunity to appease my loneliness when I was with my other colonies. Even poor little Canada, much as I loved him, I don't remember him being to me as you were. Does that mean I really was lonely or you were just special?

Oh, I don't know anymore.

At any rate, I rather like this idea you're trying to promote about falling in love actually being an incredibly brave and daring rebellion. Trust me (and you) to be the most ridiculous, disastrous kind of brave there is.


	7. Chapter 7

_December_

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

BEFORE I GO ON, JUST KNOW THAT I MEANT SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT ABOUT THE SEXUAL TENSION! I DIDN'T MEAN THAT WE HAVE ACTUAL TENSION BETWEEN US! IT'S JUST WHAT OTHERS SAY ABOUT US! AS IF I'D HAVE SEXUAL TENSION! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ok. On to the next bit of the e-mail. Whew.

Well if you guys all know it then why do you guys have to CONSTANTLY give me a hard time? I can't get that ol' "fun time" you and the others used to have of pickin' a fight. I pick a fight and people say I'm horrible and trying to kill humanity or something. Hell, I sneeze and the whole world knows about it.

And hey, not all of my ideas are bad. You guys just don't take me seriously. I bet if half of you guys actually listened to me, you'd see I have some awesome things to say.

Ah hah, I see now. So, you gave me that look and now you're afraid someone will use that same attack on you, eh? I guess I can understand that. That's what happened to me with Russia and the Cold War and all.

W-well I wouldn't be too happy to have you on MY arm if we went on a date or something! I mean, people would see your eyebrows or your white-ass complexion and think something is WRONG with me. And another thing-

Wait. We totally fell back into our old routine. Picking on each other. Man, we need to stop that. We're sad, aren't we?

And don't ask about what you said about love. Just know that I understand now, and I'm gonna totally test it out.

Why does it have to end badly? Do you guys think this means we have to involve our politics or our cultures or something? And don't say it's distance. We have planes now. Hell, teleporters will be invented soon, so… Don't give me that crap. If you love someone, it'll work out. I know it. It has to, right?

And no, I don't think running away IS the alternative. Did I run away when I knew I had to fight the man I adored and was raised by? No. Hell no. And you didn't when you had to fight me right back. We're bigger than that.

You don't know what they would do. Assuming as such is rude. Remember, you told me that assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME. And how do you know they like someone else? Have you asked them?

Well, I have 49 other states, so there's a lot to choose from. We could find something! Just say the word and I'll take you anywhere.

I'm glad to hear I can still surprise you despite all of this. I'll never forget how surprised you were when I asked for us to dress up for Halloween together. But, really, you weren't THAT against it. I mean, you did eventually get up in that outfit. I think sometimes you have this inner-geeky kid in you like me, but for some reason you wanna hide it all the time. Why do you do that? Why not just be a geek like me? I know you adore Dr Who. I'd love to see you cosplay as it sometime.

O-oh. It's a guy too? Um… Yeah. Mine's a guy… A really sexy guy… Not that others would think so. I mean. He's got this sort-of strange way of being sexy. But… I didn't think he was attractive until he smiled. And then I saw him in shorts and WHEW it was all over for me. Just, man! I wanted to tap dat ass right there and then!

And don't worry. I was lonely too as a kid. I only wanted to be with you. France and Spain tried so damn hard to get me over to their side, and it didn't work. There was no one else. I clearly remember thinking to myself that it just wouldn't work because no one could be you. Not in a brotherly way as many people like to think, but, just… it's hard to explain.

And you know me. I want freedom, and if something is causing you pain, well I want you to be free from it! And I'd love to help you out, more than anyone. Well, not as much as me, but you're a close second. HAHA!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Oh, right, yes. People _do_ say that about us, just to be twats. All started by France, of course, since it's his mission to make my life miserable.

America, we constantly give you a hard time because you're young and powerful and you can handle it. Maybe we're a little bit jealous of your position - maybe it's because we're just tired and can't be bothered to deal with a young nation having fun at our expense. I know it's hypocritical; we all had our fun when we were young. But wait until you're 2000 years old and some upstart shows up causing a ruckus, and we'll see how mature _you_ act about it then.

I thought we'd agreed that we _could_ pick on each other, because we knew it was just for harmless fun? Like when you say "I wouldn't be too happy to have you on _my_ arm" I'm supposed to know you don't really mean it.

N-not that I'm saying you _would_ be happy to have me on your arm. J-just, you know, you wouldn't…hate it…Or, rather…No, it just sounds misleading, but you know what I mean.

I don't think it's anything to do with politics or the like, America. The problem is…nothing lasts forever. By nature, logic, and all laws of this world, nothing lasts. Even things as unshakeable and huge as the continents themselves - they're always moving and changing, all be it slowly.

So it's just vain to believe that my love could last forever. Humans have the luxury of believing so, because they live such a short time that they don't go through the dilemma of actually having to test it.

But for nations, if we fall in love, at some point it's going to end. And then what happens between you and the nation who have been in a relationship? Even if you end it amicably, it's bound to change the way you behave towards and think about each other, affect your future decisions, and cause you to maybe make some bad judgements when old grievances flare up.

And yet, even though I know it's stupid of me…I really think my love for him could last forever.

And that's why I have to be extra careful not to let myself give in to it.

It's like I'm trying to sabotage myself in the future.

Yes, he told me that he likes someone else. Nations often get crushes, both on other countries and humans, so it's not surprising.

That's how I know that, at least for now, nothing could come of my feelings.

I don't think I told you that assuming makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me". Because it doesn't. It makes an ass only out of "you", whoever is assuming.

I'd…personally like to see a bit of New England. I don't know which is the best place to go, though. Somewhere quiet and countrified would be nice.

I was certainly surprised when you wanted me to dress up with you for Halloween. But then it turned out that you just wanted me in an embarrassing costume, so it shouldn't have been that much of a shocker, really.

And I only did it to be polite, since you went through all the trouble to get me the outfit and everything, and since you'd obviously been looking forward to it!

I get enough gyp for announcing my love of magic and fairies to the world - I learnt long ago that if I want to enjoy something in peace it's better to keep it to myself. Surely there's things _you_ enjoy that you don't tell anyone about - not because you're embarrassed, but because you want to be able to enjoy it without some bored nation using it as fuel for irritating jokes.

All right, _please_ spare me the grisly details about this man's sex appeal and legs. I really don't need to know.

Are you saying you…_didn't_ want to be my brother, even in the beginning? I knew…eventually, of course. But in the beginning…I thought you were happy that way?

* * *

.

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

Dear America,

Merry Christmas, and happy holidays in general.

I'm writing this in November, but sending it in with your Christmas present so you shouldn't read this until Christmas Day (unless you open your present early).

Since we've been emailing so much recently, I thought it might be a nice gesture to hand write something for a change. Yes, I know: it's old-fashioned and slow, just like me. Ha bloody ha. But I was sending you a Christmas card and a present anyway, so I thought 'why not?'

Also…Well, I know this doesn't make up for all those lost letters when you were a child, but it bothered me to know little America was always waiting for replies that never came. This one may be centuries late, and probably doesn't mean anything to you now – but it's meant to show that I'll always be here to write back to you.

I hope you're having a nice holiday season. By the time you read this, it will be nearly New Year's, so I'll see you in a few days.

I miss you, though. Even though I just saw you for Halloween and I'll see you for New Year's, and we email often in between. I miss you. As embarrassing as it is to say, I rather owe it to you: I was drunk the last time I said it, but it is true so I wanted you to know properly. After all, there's no need for it to be so embarrassing. There's nothing to it; everyone's allowed to miss old friends sometimes. Especially friends with a long history like ours.

I'm very glad that we've gotten closer recently, America. Our history is long and complicated, and we've been both the closest of allies and the worst of enemies. I'm so happy that we've made it to this point. I rather like it, being proper friends with you.

Although, I really don't know where it came from. I'm so used to getting closer to another nation because our countries are tied together with whatever political alliances or wars are going on at the time. But this new burst of friendship between us just seemed to spring out of nowhere, didn't it. As if it were just a matter of Alfred and Arthur, rather than involving the U.S. and U.K. Whatever the case, I truly am happy. I love emailing you all the time, and hearing more about what you're doing. To be honest, I've always hoped to be better friends with you.

You probably won't find that surprising, since you assume everyone loves you and wants to be best friends to suck up to the almighty United States. But in my case, it's just a simple fact. I've missed you for a long time, really. I know we've been allies and friendly towards each other, but now it seems much more genuine. It means a great deal to me.

I feel like I've spouted on about this in our emails, so I'm sure you get the picture. I just wanted to say thank you for sticking around, I'm always here for you, too, and, of course, Merry Christmas.

I'll see you soon.

Yours, truly,

England

P.S. The scarf in your Christmas package is hand-made, of course. You hate the cold, but always seem to be complaining about being unprepared for it. As if winter can somehow sneak up on you like it hasn't happened every year since you were born... If you want my opinion, you're just too lazy to go shopping for winter clothes, too forgetful to remember where you store your old ones, or a combination of the two. As such, I made this scarf extra, extra long and bright red, white and blue so hopefully it will be harder to misplace. And if that doesn't work, rest assured that I will be very displeased if you lose something I spent so long making – so there's the added threat of my eternal wrath if you lose it. Just something to keep in mind. Stay warm. (Because I don't want to spend all New Year's listening to you complaining about the weather.)

* * *

**To:** Arthur Kirkland  
**From:** Alfred Jones

December 27th

Dear England,

I know you sent me that letter so long ago and I'm not even sending you yours- I'm hand delivering it to you on New Years when I see you- but I wanted to write this when I had everything figured out in my head of what to say.

Thanks so much for the letter. I really appreciate it. I have it stored away with all of your old letters from when I was a colony. Yeah, I um... I kept those.

Boy, it's been a long time since I wrote a letter. It's kind of nice. We should do this again sometime! I feel like I can really think out what I have to say as I write, rather than spontaneously writing what I think (and no, I didn't need to look up in the dictionary how to spell that word. I'm not totally reliant on spell check.).

Your letter means a lot to me because it's, well, not just for me, but for the kid in me. I know I try and act so grown up a lot, but, I dunno. Whenever you're around, I have a tendency to want things to go back to the way they were, if only so that I can be a little kid and laugh with you over cookies and biscuits again. Those were good days. Do you know, I still remember when you taught me to read? It was in the fall and we were outside underneath a tree. You had a blanket and me on your lap and a book in front of you and you read and read and I fell asleep in your arms. It was so very warm. I'm not writing you this to make you feel bad about you not being there, but knowing that those kinds of memories kept me warm all the Christmases we couldn't be together.

And yeah, I miss you too. Maybe one Christmas we can actually spend it together and have some laughs about the good ol' days and eat cookies and burgers and whatever the hell it is you make. Wow, I sound more and more like you. That's a scary thought!

It's funny you wrote about getting closer to countries just for political reasons and such. I never thought I did until Canada pointed out I did in, like, the 50s? But with Japan and you and Lithuania it was never the case. I stand by that. For Japan, sure, at first, but he became someone very interesting to me, and we became such good friends. The same for Lithuania, especially after he lived with me for so long. I don't know how I got through some days without him. And then there's you. I really can't sum up our relationship or friendship like Churchill did. It just doesn't seem to fit. It's not... good enough to me. It's hard to explain. Sorry.

But just know that my befriending you and staying your friend is not for political reasons like it may seem these days. I know I'm close to rather questionable nations for even more questionable reasons, but, with you, that'll never be the case. Ever.

And no, I don't think everyone sucks up to me, and I certainly don't think it's because they all love me.

Well, to wrap this all up, thank you England. You're a really good friend, and I'm glad I got your letter, and all the ones before it. Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year, pal.

-America

P.S. Oh man, thanks for the scarf! I hope you noticed I wore it today for the party! It's super soft! I can't really make things like you can, but I hope you like the teapot I got you nonetheless. I'm good with my hands, so maybe in the spring I can build you something for your garden? Maybe that can be your birthday gift? ...Have I ever given you a birthday gift before? Oh man, that's so terrible of me to realize that right now. SORRY!


	8. Chapter 8

_January_

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Whooo! Sorry it's been awhile. Been hectic at my place. Dude, the party at Canada's house was bitchin'! It's really great to just let loose around the holidays. I know I had fun, did you?

All right, old man. These e-mails are getting crazy long and stuff, and I'm still trying to recover from New Years. Plus, you promised you'd come for a visit in a few days, so what do you say we keep 'em light? I'll reply to a few of your things from the last e-mail and then maybe we can make 'em all light and fun for a little while? I didn't really have time to talk about what we had been talking about before, you know, with the whole brothers bit, because, well... It was New Year's and Christmas and stuff. Wasn't really the best time.

First, the big one. You said that love might end. Well… so what? Do you know the exact time? Do you know when? Do you know how to trim your eyebrows? No. So why worry about it?

Seriously. Did you ever think that about me when I was your colony? I sure didn't. I never thought, "Gee, I just met this guy and he's fantastic and I really like him… I think in about 100 years I'll kick his ass and not be his colony anymore." I mean, seriously. Think about that.

People don't get into relationships thinking about that- or at least they shouldn't. Going into a relationship with a mindset that you're going to sabotage your future will just become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If people thought obsessively about their future, they'd go crazy! Just like with death. We have the ability to outlive humans, but we're not immortal. Look at Rome and Ancient Greece! Hell, I could die tomorrow from some freak nuke incident or something. The point is you just never know, love included. So why worry?

Why not enjoy what you have, and worry about when love dies when it dies? Or rather, if?

You just said it yourself that you think you could love this guy forever, and more power to you for that! I think I could with mine too, if I ever get around to confessing to him.

Which, by the way, I will. Soon. I just, don't know when or how or…

So…that's kind of my, um… question. If your guy confessed to you, how would you like it to be? Just go all out here. Give me ANY scenario. I have nothing. I feel like an idiot.

My original idea was to just, kind of, write it in a letter, but that seemed dumb. I'm not that great with words, at least not like you are. Poetry and all that. Maybe I could do a haiku? Those things are ridiculous. He might even think it's cute.

Oh, but then that'd be a higher chance of him laughing at me.

Poems are out!

And why can't I go on about how sexy he is?! You're my friend! Go ahead and gush about your crush! I won't mind. Not really. I mean, it is weird, a little bit, and… you know… Not all that… BUT YOU'RE MY FRIEND! Bros before hoes, I always say! And if you wanna vent to me about something stupid he did or go on about some hot ass get-up he wore, I won't tell you to stop. You're already in pain that you can't tell anyone or that you can't tell him. I'd like to help you relieve that, even just a little.

Also, I know a great place in New England we could visit. It's a little run down, so give me a little time to clean it up for you. I know you'll like it!

Oh, and I totally have things I like and everyone knows them. I'm not good at keeping secrets about me personally. Politics, love life, and war stuff I can keep 'em hidden behind my back as good as the rest of you old fogies, but not my hobbies. Everyone knows I'm a football and baseball sports nut, and fucking Canada is gettin' me all riled up for hockey too. That bastard. I think he's trying to subtly declare war on me every time a team of ours face off (GAWD! Remember the Olympics?! Fuck. I thought he was going to KILL me if my boys won!)

Finally, no. I never once thought of you as a brother. Ever. I only said it to France to get him off of my back, so that might have come around and you heard it and it was taken out of context, but if I ever called you it, it was more out of protectiveness when you and France were at war (on my lands, if I remember correctly…) :/

But you've always been my friend. Back then, you were just family, but not brother. You weren't mom or dad either. It's hard to explain. It's like a familiar love that goes beyond family or romantic and, um… that sounds weird.

Right. ONTO THE FUN PART OF THE E-MAIL! So when you come in a few days, did you wanna hang out? We could go see a new movie. Have you seen the Hobbit yet? You probably went opening night and lied about it to everyone. HAHA! I went! I even dressed up!

Or we could go see a football game! Now that I know you like men you'd be all over watching grown men stick their hand between another man's leg to grab a ball and then be tackled by other large men. Ammirite? ;)

OR! Oh man! We could do so much! How long will you be here? I think Canada could join us if you'd like. We could go sledding! Like old times! Only, don't lose control and almost go flying off of a cliff. Or was that me? I don't remember. Oh well, not important.

OH! You remember Tony, right? He says hi. I think he said hi. It sounded like fuck you, but he'd never be that mean. Tony's awesome. Well, either way, he'll be here. He hasn't seen you in awhile and he says he doesn't trust you or something. He thinks you're going to do something to me. As if! You're cool now and wouldn't do that, right ya ol' fart?

I think that's my favorite nickname for you. OLD FART! :P

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Sorry my own reply is so late. It certainly has been some time now. A whole _three_ days or so since New Year's. Oh, unless you mean it's been a while since...we've talked. Like this. I mean, in email.

Um, yes it has. My last one was just before Christmas. Sorry I didn't get a chance to speak to you much at Matthew's party. There's always so many nations at the New Year's get-together, I couldn't get round to everybody. I hope everything's going well for you.

When you say "let's keep these emails light" and then proceed to write your longest reply to date, I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to send you in return. A few sentences, or an epic?

I would be happy to keep them light and fun for a while, but a few things will need to be expounded upon I'm afraid. Especially the, uh, brother issue. I'm sorry, I should have realised it was the wrong time to bring that up, right before Christmas and all. I must admit, I was a little worried when you just stopped emailing right after I mentioned it. I suppose that may have been one of the reasons I didn't make more of an effort to spend time with you at Matthew's - I thought you didn't want to speak to me.

Anyway, first things first.

I have to think about a relationship before I get into one because I'm a nation, America. My life, even as Arthur Kirkland, is going to affect that of an entire country. Not because we'll suddenly be joining up with another country to create a happy unified alliance. But because it will affect my feelings and decision making in the future.

We can't take these things as casually as humans. They can live with their hearts on their sleeves because no matter how badly a relationship ends for them, it's not going to fundamentally affect an entire country. For us it's…well, think Helen of Troy - that was a human relationship gone wrong, just think what could happen for nations!

I suppose if I thought we didn't have all the time in the world, then I might do something about it. But I anticipate both of us being around for long enough that the thought of our eventual death isn't enough encouragement to make me act.

You're going to confess?

America…Well, I won't stop you. In a way, I'm happy that you can be brave and confident like this. Who knows: maybe you're the one with the right idea, and you'll find happiness the way most of us only dream of, but are too cautious to try for. If anyone can make it work, you can. I'll be jealous of your happiness. Good luck. I really hope it works out for the best.

Although I love the idea of confessing via letter, I don't think it's particularly "you." (And poetry is right out for you.)

Also, your confession will be such a rare and unusual situation that I think it would be best if you could meet in person to have this talk.

I know you are excited about this, and that love is a happy thing, but for the confession it may be best to take it seriously. Try to be calm and polite and mature, just this once.

Get them alone, in a neutral and comfortable location where they won't feel pressured (you want them to know this is a personal issue and not a political one between two nations). Find somewhere quiet, where you can be alone for an extended period of time - but with something for you to take your mind off the issue if they reject you. Or even if they accept you - I assume you'll both be a bit nervous and awkward even if it goes well, so have something planned for you to do afterwards, for either event.

Just sit them down, look them in the eye, and explain to them how you feel. It doesn't matter how good you are with words - if you try, I'm sure you can get your message across. Give them time if they need it, listen to them if they have something to say, be your mature self just this once. Although I'm sure they love the way you are when you bounce around acting like an excited puppy, this would be the time to act mature so that they know you truly, deeply mean the things you are saying, and have thought about them a lot, and you take them seriously.

That's just a thought, anyway.

I suppose, if it makes you more comfortable - a big, American style romantic gesture, like having "I love you" written in sky writing inside the world's largest rollercoaster loop?

I can't tell you about something stupid he did or talk about his "hot ass get-up" because then you might recognise him, stupid!

Suffice it say…I wish his looks didn't affect me as much as they do. I feel ridiculous when he's wearing the right thing, or looks at me the right way.

I'm sorry to dredge up this awkward "brother issue," especially considering it doesn't really affect us anymore. But it's been haunting me for weeks, ever since our last emails before Christmas.

America, I'm sorry but, when you say you never once thought of me as a brother that doesn't make me happy.

I know that...we weren't supposed to stay that way. And that we never really were, in the way that the Italy brothers are (or even you and Canada). But…you were my family. And better than real family because you _wanted_ to be my brother.

And now I find out that's not even true?

Maybe I'm confused and saddened because I don't understand what you mean by this "familiar love." I'm happy that you obviously never hated me, and that you thought of me as a friend but…when you were little and I thought of you as my brother, it made me feel like I wasn't as worthless as everyone had always told me I was. Even being a ruthless pirate/empire, those centuries of torment don't exactly disappear overnight. I still worried that I was nothing to the world, and never would be. Then I found someone wonderful who wanted to be my family, and I felt…hope.

And now you're saying that…you _didn't_ want to be my brother, even back then?

If so, then I don't understand what we were to each other. Yes, we were still a loving family even if we weren't brothers but…I don't understand why you would have wanted me around, or forgiven me when I left, if you didn't consider me your brother.

I'm just confused, I suppose - to find out this thing I've thought for centuries is a lie.

I'm sorry to bring up something so awkward and painful and confusing. Now let's get on to the "fun part" of the email.

I'm visiting in a few days and you haven't told me where we're going yet! Just "a great place in New England." I hope you're not just planning to wing it - or take us up to Canada and impose upon his hospitality.

Yes, when that boy sets his foot on the ice he becomes a _completely_ different person, doesn't he? Even just seeing a hockey rink practically makes him turn into the Hulk. I swear, when he hit the next ice age, Canada will be the number one superpower before any of us can blink.

I had assumed that we would hang out when I visit you. I didn't dare hope you would give me a moment's peace on my holiday.

Of _course_ I've seen The Hobbit, you dolt! Several times, including the premiere in London and the one in Wellington.

We can definitely go and see it again, though. That is one movie adaptation of a beloved novel that I honestly enjoyed (apart from a few complaints, but come on: you can't expect me to have _no_ criticisms).

Um, liking men doesn't necessarily mean you get all hot and bothered during ridiculous American sports.

Can't say I'm not a fan of the tight trousers, though.

I'll be at your place for four days - got a long weekend off work. Well, I suppose it's more like three and a half days since I arrive Thursday night and leave Monday night, so Monday will involve some packing and chores and travelling to the airport, etc.

Ugh, Tuesday is going to be hell with that jet lag… Still, not the worst time difference to deal with, I suppose.

Yes, how could I ever forget Tony…

I'd love to know what terrible things he thinks I could do to you that an extraterrestrial with advanced technology could not.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Well, I meant to keep it short, but I had to touch on some things. Sorry. I got out of hand.

I have a question, though. Do you mean to say if you get in a relationship with another nation…that ties your governments together? I thought it was just… you know, you as Arthur dating… dating someone else and not involving politics or anything. If it does, well shit, that changes everything. Maybe I shouldn't confess…

Or if I do, make it a point to tell them this has nothing to do with combining governments?

I'll take all of your advice into consideration. Thanks!

Okay, and the last bit of something serious. The brother issue.

Look, when we first met and started to get to know each other, you made it pretty damn clear you did not want to be called a brother. You told me over and over again as I grew up that you were to be seen as an empire, as someone who took care of me, and NOT my brother. And now I'm the one to feel bad for doing what you asked?

Why the hell do you think I separated from you in the first place? So you would STOP seeing me as a brother. I knew you went around and called me your little brother to France and Spain just to make it easier for them to understand our position, but no. I didn't think of you as a brother.

That doesn't mean I didn't think of you as family, though. I didn't see you as a brother or a mother or a father. I saw you as you. I still do. I always did. You were England- Arthur- the stuck-up, bratty, but kind and caring… other half of me.

NOT IN A ROMANTIC WAY!

See, that's the family bit I was talking about. All those decades ago, when I was alone in the house, I would tell myself you were still there. That I wasn't waiting for you to come back because you were there- in my heart.

But that innocence started to die the longer you stayed away. And soon, it became unbearable. I couldn't take it anymore. So I stopped seeing you as…as a part of me in a family way. To make it easier on me. It's not that I didn't WANT to be your brother, but I had to stop for my sake. I had no idea the effect it would have on me in the long run.

I'm sorry if that hurts you, but it's my feelings. I hope you understand.

Well shit, if you've seen the Hobbit then that's out. I don't wanna take you to something you HAVE seen. Maybe we could see something funny. Lemme check my listings to see what's playing.

AND ONLY 4/3 DAYS?! THAT IS NOT NEARLY LONG ENOUGH! I have things planned! Ask your boss to stay longer!

And don't worry about where we're going in New England. I'll pick you up at the airport and drive you to our destination. You can even sleep in the car. I promise I'll be quiet and won't blast any music. And no, we're not going to Canada's. I swear. He's… all riled up because hockey can finally start back up, but he's still mad at me about the blackout (as if it's personally my fault that the NHL can't get its act together). So… we're staying away from his border.

Well it COULD make you like them. I mean, I still like women in tight clothes. It's just me appreciating a human being's body. Just like I appreciate everyone else's. Yes, even yours. A little scrawny, but it works for you. I like it.

And don't say that about Tony. He's just my friend. You were all, "I'll kick in anyone's head who hurt you" a few e-mails back, so don't give me that shit. It's nice I have friends who want to take care of a hero, even though he totally can by himself.

Oh! And my whale is still here! I know you missed him! Remember that time I met him and you asked to be my friend and I totally laughed and ran away? HAHA! Your face was hilarious!

Of course, now you know. I didn't mean any ill will. ;)

Oh! By the way. Your favorite food is Fish and Chips, right? Or is it something else? I know you like Pastie (did I spell that right?) and curry and spotted dick (giggle), but, did you like anything else? I was gonna make your favorite food as a huge thank you for being awesome these past few months.

Also, I have a surprise for you! I hope you like it and don't laugh at me.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

No, governments don't get tied together because of personal relationships. In fact, it seems rather the other way around.

However, that's not to say it won't affect your attitude towards that political relationship in the long run. At first, you're bound to focus on it more at work, even if it's involuntarily - and that will cause problems with other nations. Then later, if and when you and this nation break up, you will find it hard to work with them which can damage ties, or if you're angry about the end of the relationship it can lead to issues of poor judgement or something.

Even if you agree to date solely as Arthur and "whoever", or Alfred and "whoever" - you're _also_ England, or America, or "whoever." You can't ignore that, and as much as you try to work together thereafter, it _will_ have its consequences.

It's no different to any office romance, really. Two people in an office date and decide to keep it just personal, leave the office out of it. But then if they break up it will affect how they work together. It's just a natural reaction.

I had never really considered trying to focus solely on dating as _Arthur_. Because I'm England, first and foremost. I can't avoid that part of myself, even if I wanted to. I'm not saying I would say no if he asked me to try to forget about us being nations and just be together as Arthur and him. But…I'm not _just_ Arthur. You can't have Arthur without England. I know that makes life difficult, but we're nations and that's our lot in life.

Maybe I just find it harder to separate the two parts of my life. Perhaps you've gotten the hang of it in the past few centuries in a way I've never been able to do over a millennium.

Regarding the brother issue…I know we said we'll start getting along and trusting each other now, but I feel like we're still accusing and attacking each other on matters of the past, albeit not vindictively, or even intentionally. Maybe it's just me being overly sensitive.

I want us to stop talking about these things for a while. Even though we are friends now, bringing up anything from back then inevitably leads us to some small argument, and it grieves me, it truly does.

So, in an effort to move on from this topic, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to accuse you of having no feelings for me whatsoever.

Yes, I told you not to call me "brother" because I didn't want to be in any way compared to my own, even if it was through something as small as a word. But that was still what I called you to others - not just to show off that I had won you from France and Spain but because that was how I thought of you to myself. Maybe that was reflective of the way I felt I had ownership of you - if so, it wasn't a conscious decision to belittle you.

I know it's rather a double-standard: I thought of you as my brother, but I was not allowed to be called yours. In that sense, I was wrong. I didn't mean for our bond to sound so one-sided, and if that caused you any grief when you were young, then I am sorry. I didn't realise. My only defense is that I was a stupid teenager and didn't always think through my actions or words.

I did want you to know that I was a big strong empire and that I took care of you. I thought I owned you. That does not mean that in my heart of hearts, I didn't also think of us as more than empire and colony. If I didn't make that clear enough, then it was my own fault.

What is more, in my naivety as a big and powerful nation believing everyone should adore me, I thought that my little charge looked up to me and that you thought of me as a brother, too - even if I would not allow you to say it. I thought my feelings on the "brother" matter were reciprocated. But of course such a happy fantasy is easy for the empire. But the little colony who is told constantly that his guardian "owns" him is not going to think of him entirely as a loving brother. It was foolish of me to believe you ever did, so this misunderstanding was my fault.

That being said, however, I do not appreciate you getting angry at me over this and jumping down my throat on the "brother" issue, because it seems like you are not even trying to see it from my side.

I'm not talking about empirical invasions and taxes and wars and things that caused the political side of the revolution. I'm talking about our personal relationship, how I behaved towards you as your "guardian".

You are acting as if, because you were younger and blameless in the issue, everything that ever went wrong was my fault simply because I _planned_ for it to happen that way.

I know this will just bring the argument back to life, but I have to say I'm offended you think that way. Do you think so badly of me, America, that you believe every bad call I made or thoughtless word I spoke during our years together was a calculated effort to hurt you?

Parents make mistakes when raising their children. Nobody can be perfect at it. But it's ridiculous to believe there's any ill will just because they say the wrong thing or make a bad judgement in their efforts to learn how to deal with a child.

Apart from that, is it not at all possible that a teenager - one with too much power to know what to do with, who had centuries of problems weighing down on him - maybe made a few bad choices, said some wrong things by accident, when raising another child for the first time? Yes, I was to blame for all my mistakes - but it's not because I was _trying_ to do wrong.

I was hoping that you of all people could come to understand that.

I don't blame you for anything, America. It's my dearest wish that one day you can stop blaming me for my mistakes, too. They are painful enough without the added weight of knowing you still hold them against me.

Your words hurt me, as mine have obviously hurt you. I know you will have a lot to say on that last paragraph and I will read it patiently as you have done for me. But just know that I want us to move away from this topic, as it makes us both annoyed and unhappy.

The fact is, we were at very different times of our lives: you a new nation and a child, me an aspiring empire pirate and a teenager. If there were misunderstandings, it's hardly surprising. But none of our miscommunications or fights will ever change the fact that you very dear to me, and I meant a lot to you, too. We both understand that now, better than we have in a long time, I think.

We will never agree on anything about the past, because we cannot - we saw it from two completely different viewpoints and they're each true to both of us.

If you still want me to come and visit after this message…how long would you _like_ me to stay? Keeping in mind that it must be realistic.

You appreciate _everyone's_ bodies? And I thought it was only Canada who took after France.

I don't often look at ordinary people like that (adult magazines and movies are different, of course, because that's what they're for). But if I think about it (only to return the compliment, of course), you're not so bad yourself.

Yes, I remember your whale. Where in God's name does he live and sleep? Oh, are we going to stay somewhere on the seaside? That might be nice, even at this time of year (it's not like my beaches are always sunny and warm).

My favourite _meal_ is Sunday lunch (roast chicken or beef or pork, with mashed and roast potatoes and lots of roasted vegetables, parsnips are a must, gravy, and Yorkshire pudding). I do love fish and chips, pasties and pies of all varieties, shepherd's pie, and toad-in-the-hole.

I could go on, so I'll give you a full menu if you need more.

A surprise? God, I dread to think. Is it something you honestly think I'll like, or is it just something you're doing for a crazy lark?

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Okay.

I'm… I'm going to be super SUPER honest with you right now.

Just because I did not see you as a brother because of your telling me what to think of you does NOT mean how I thought of you as someone less. Why do I have to label you as a brother?! Can't I just explain it in the way I just did and have you be satisfied?! I mean, seriously! Would you rather me think of you as a the backstabbing big brother, because I did. For years. The brother who never listened to me and pushed me aside because what the hell did I know? I was a colony, a stupid backwater kid that was too big for his britches.

I'd MUCH rather think of you as the family that just had an argument and then, despite that, we came back together. Did I not rush to your aid TWICE and beat up everyone who hurt you? Do I not STILL defend you, protect you, and vow to be your friend and your closest ally?! I mean seriously England! What you just said pissed me off big time!

I HAVE stopped blaming you! I have for years! You're always the one to bring up the past, seeing me as some angel I once was (which was a lie) and then crying and whining about the fact I can never BE that way again. Do you know how that makes me feel? That you don't want this- this version of me. That all you care about is this obedient child that you could boss around again, and not an equal.

And that hurts the most.

You can blame what happened between us in the past as something you did as a teenager, but what do you have to say about what you just wrote in your e-mail? I don't think you understand the level in which you just cut me.

Maybe this will make sense to you…

I DIDN'T WANT TO THINK OF YOU AS A BROTHER!

Do you get that? I didn't _want_ to.

And that's NOT a bad thing where I'm coming from. It just means… I saw you as something more. Did you ever think of that?

I don't like to think of you as anyone else than who you are RIGHT now. Thinking back on how I used to think of you- as an enemy, as someone I couldn't go to and gush about deep feelings, and get to know…and consider someone I could even…

Look.

If you want to ACTUALLY drop this issue, stop talking about it. How's that?

And yes, you can still come over. I'll be…less upset by then. Maybe.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Alfred, I am _more_ than satisfied knowing you considered me family. And I don't mean to say "it's brothers or bust." God knows we were never really brothers whether we wanted to be or not - that was just a label. We considered each other family, and I know that - I just got a little insecure about the fact for a second when suddenly something I'd always believed turned out to be wrong. So wrong that you seemed to scoff at the idea and get irritated when I mentioned my confusion on the matter.

I know now that it was just a silly thing about us using two different words to describe that relationship. I was overly sensitive and it made me hurt by something that you never intended to be a big issue.

You asked for us to start being honest. And I have. It makes me bloody vulnerable, America, do I have to spell it out for you? Being honest makes _anyone_ vulnerable and nervous and sensitive, and I hate it more than anyone, but I put myself out there for _you_.

So now when we argue…it hurts more. For both of us.

I'm _sorry_ if I need you to spell things out sometimes - like the fact that you don't blame me for old wrongs - just to make me feel secure in pouring my heart out to you. Our hearts don't always make sense, should _we _know that? I'm sure some of my insecurities seem silly to you and so when I ask about them you think I'm whining about something obviously simple. How many emails ago was it that you were complaining about some inferiority complex that I find totally unfathomable?

I'm trying to be understanding, and open. I'm not a master at the craft, but even I know that honesty doesn't automatically improve relationships instantly. It is best in the long run, of course, but you can hurt each other _more_ when you start to talk things through honestly.

I'm sorry for hurting you. I am. But if we are speaking honestly, then it is bound to happen. Just as you hurt me, too.

But…the thing I think is…I _want_ to be honest with you. It's horrible and scary and I quite honestly hate it, but that's not enough to make me throw away what we're trying to achieve here.

You mean enough to me that I want this. If I get hurt then fine - but if it brings us closer, then I welcome it with open arms. (I don't mean to be a martyr…)

I just mean…we are being honest to improve our friendship, are we not? And, well, I think our friendship can withstand this first barrage of honesty. We may be hurting that for which we are fighting - one step forward, two steps back, as always. But I am willing to see it through, this difficult part, so that when we come out the other side, I can…Well, I don't know. I just know that I want it. I always want to be closer and closer to you.

So no matter how awkward and hard it is, let us make sure to push through. I know we can do it, and that it will be worth it.

I know that all sounds painful, but I meant it to be reassuring I promise. I'm saying that I believe in us. That no matter how many times I get accidentally hurt by you, I'll always want to come back.

I will drop it now.

Because I _do_ love you, America. Just as you are now. It seems I haven't quite been able to get that through to you either, but it's something I want you to know. I know I go on about you as a child, but that's not what you are to me - an uncomfortable reminder of a tainted memory. You are an arrogant, modest, loud, good-natured, lazy, innovative man whom I care about with all my heart.

I just don't like saying that because looks how it sounds. Embarrassing.

Hypothetically speaking, if I hugged you when I arrive at the airport would that be all right? And in that hypothetical situation of hypothetical public hugging…would it cheer you up at all for me having upset you?

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

…Ah geeze, England… I can't stay mad at you.

Believe me, I've tried. I really did. Having you burn down my capital took a while, but now I hardly mention it, even in my history books. So that's a starter, right?

I'm sorry I got so upset. I went out for a jog and pumped some iron and exercising always makes me feel better. I've cooled off. I just…

I really hate thinking back on the old times. I just… I can't stand it. I know I should look back and learn from the past and the only thing I learned… is how not to treat you anymore. How not to leave you and not to…mistreat you or make you cry or send you home alone where I know you'll be stuck in a depression.

So. Just get your butt over here and I'll pick you up at the airport and, yes, you can hug me. Hypothetical or not. I'll still hug you and call you an old man.

I still have a surprise for you, too.

* * *

_Hoshiko2_'s cents: I dunno about anon, but this was one of my favorite chapters to write.

_Anonymous Zoological Society:_ Oh, _hell_ yes. When we originally wrote these emails to each other it made my entire life, it was SO exciting!


	9. Chapter 9

_January_

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hey England.

Um.

Are you okay? Did you get home okay? Is everything okay?

Okay, America. Just. Calm down. Haha.

Uh, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. We could forget everything that happened if you'd prefer. I can live with it- really. I can. Because at least we can be friends and I wouldn't wanna trade that for anything in the world.

So. Sorry to put more on you, but… yeah…

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Um, hello, America. How are you? I hope the weather is all right. I know it wasn't perfect when I came to visit - has it gotten much better? I know how you hate the cold, but try not to go into hibernation this year - you have a lot of work ahead to start of your boss's new term.

Here it's snowing. Not so much in London, but other places.

Um, anyway, that's not very interesting, I suppose.

Ah, well…I was just…wondering…

When you talked before in our previous emails about thinking that the nation you liked would laugh in your face…did you really think I would?

I'm not trying to cheer you up with flattery, I'm genuinely hoping that you _did_. I always thought it was…rather obvious how I felt about you, so I'm glad _you_, at least, didn't see it.

Um, hope to hear from you when you have some free time.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Oh, I think we just emailed each other at the same time. Sorry, I should have called you when I got in from the flight so we didn't get our wires crossed like this. But I was…a little nervous about phoning you. So I just emailed.

I'll just make this quick since I already sent you that longer message, which you must have received by now.

But I feel like I have to reply to your email and tell you that I don't want you to take any of it back. Can we…keep it as it is?

Also, if we are to…do this, then stop ending your sentences on bloody ellipses (...).

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Okay. I'm glad you got home safely. That's good.

Um. You want to keep what as is? Our…friendship before or…what we could be together?

And I just… Hey. I couldn't help it with how I thought you'd look if you rejected me. I mean. I didn't think you'd tell me to fuck off if that makes you feel better. But, yeah, I did think you'd laugh at me some how or call me a little kid again.

Sorry.

And sorry for using ellipses so much again.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Um…I want…what you said at the beach, and what I eventually admitted might be worth a try. You know…_more_ than friends.

No, don't apologise. Your inability to read the atmosphere finally came in handy. France and so on promised to keep it a secret, but I thought they must be dropping hints because they're awful people and I don't trust them. So I thought you'd figure it out.

I sometimes thought you must already know and never said anything because you…didn't feel the same, but pitied me too much to outright reject me, so you just pretended to know nothing. That's me being paranoid, for you.

Ellipses are okay in the sentences. I can't really do without them myself in these emails. But not at the _end_ of a sentence! After what you said at the beach, I can't believe there's _anything_ you're scared to tell me! Not because we're…that close yet, or anything, but just because, well, what's more difficult to say than _that_?

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

SO YOU WANNA GIVE IT A TRY?! OH MY GOD! I AM FLIPPING A SHIT OVER HERE! LIKE JUMPING ON COUCHES AND SCREAMING OUT MY FRONT DOOR! HOLY SHIT!

CAN I COME OVER FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND WE CAN GO ON DATES?!

O-or do you wanna take it slow?! I don't wanna scare you or anything. You know, you're just-

Hey wait a minute. Did the others know?! And you said you liked someone else in those e-mails. WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?!

Oh God, I gotta go back and reread all of that! Holy shit, I swear to you I was NOT faking it. I REALLY didn't know you liked me! OH MY GOD!

Sorry! SORRY!

I'M JUST GOING CRAZY OVER HERE!

AKHEGNAJKMGHNgj AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Just by the by, you got that smile out of me with that last email. Congratulations, I know you'd been trying hard for it.

Um, yes, you can come over. Let me know first so I know I won't be swamped with work. Also, I think it would be a little telling if I went to yours on holiday and then you instantly come over to visit me. Like I said, I'd like us to have a quiet start. It doesn't necessarily to have be too slow (I mean, I don't know about you, but I've waited enough that I'm ready for a date, at least), but I don't want anyone else getting involved until we have no other choice. I want to enjoy this just as us for now, not as two nations with the most annoying and nosy friends/colleagues on the planet.

A-America! Of_ course _I was talking about you! After everything I said about not wanting a substitute for the person I…love, you thought I had accepted you as a consolation?

You stupid man-child! You thought I would do that to you? That you confess to me and I just shrug and go "fine" because it's better than nothing? I don't even want to believe you'd think I'd treat you that way. You're worth so much more than a substitute, America.

I said yes because…you were the one I've been talking about.

…I have a feeling things are going to get a lot more embarrassing with your next email.

But yes, I had told others about my feelings for you. _Not_ through choice - I cannot stress that enough. Copious amounts of alcohol were always involved.

I would firmly deny it every time I was sober, but if the wrong person got me the right amount of drunk, they could weasel it out of me. _Do not_ ask France about it, because if he tells you I would cry and rant then he is a lying wanker.

Just in case you needed to hear it again, because you are _that_ oblivious that I can say it once and you don't realise what it means:

I love you, America. I want to be with you, too.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

I GOT YOU TO SMILE! YES! YESSSSS!

Sorry, still shouting here!

AND YOU SAID YOU LOVE ME AND I AM GOING INSANE!

Okay. Okay. I'm better. I just went and dragged a bus a mile to help tire myself out. WHEW! Gotta start lookin' hot for my new beau.

Holy fuck, we're dating!

Okay, I'm back. I went to do… something.

Anyway, so our first date. Well, sadly, with my boss startin' his new term in a few days, I gotta stay here for a little while. It sucks, but duty calls. And like you said, you don't want our relationship to get in the way of politics. I totally agree. I won't let it happen. I mean, I might press a little more from my guys to help you out, but you know I'm in a worse state than you, so…

I'll have to go through all of those e-mails with a fine tooth comb. I can't sit through and do it now as I have to constantly get up and walk around I'm so damn giddy.

You really just don't know how much I'm going out of my mind right now.

I'm kind of a bit jealous you told _France_ of all nations before you told me. I mean, sure, I know how you are when drunk, but still! I just! You know! He picks up on these things quickly. What if I can't see you until our next meeting and he just KNOWS and tries to be our love adviser or something? That's just creepy. And very France-like… But I don't want that!

If anyone is to interfere with our love-life, it's Canada. Or Japan. Japan has a shit ton of dating sim games. He's pretty good at that stuff, I think. I know I've asked him now and again about what to do, but not mentioning your name. I think he knows too, though… So we might wanna be careful of him.

He's the one who suggested I just confess, but he said that like 15 years ago. Like hell I listened then!

It was because of you I actually went through with it. I'll explain why later when I get back from a meeting and read my e-mails to say it exactly as you said it.

Okay. I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER!

I LOVE YOU!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Please don't ever call me your beau. It's a French word, and a ridiculous Americanisation, and I will end this now if you ever use it again. Love you as I do, this is a deal breaker.

"I might press a little more from my guys to help you out" - didn't I go on and on about this before? If two nations have a relationship it is bound to affect their work, which _will_ result in negative consequences. I know you only want to help, but how is that going to look to other nations? "America's helping England because they're dating." Can you imagine?

In business, don't treat me any differently than you did before. We have to actively make sure other nations do not see any harm coming from our relationship.

I didn't _want_ to tell France! He's the last person on Earth to whom I'd want to reveal something like that! But he's _France _- he can smell desire from a mile away, even if it's not aimed at him. And he's a nosey parker, so he decided to invite himself into my problem.

I think that Japan knew without me ever having to tell him. Maybe I'm not as good at being subtle as I thought, so I may have mentioned your name one two many times and he caught on. He would always tell me how you were, make comments about us that would make me happy, etc., as if he were trying to just throw me a bone every now and then. But he never encouraged me to confess because I never spoke openly about it.

Same with Canada. I can't even remember if I told him outright - I think I did whilst drunk, but he pretended I didn't. But he was sweet and supportive and quiet about it, too, just like Japan. And I would go to him and complain about the situation without risking ridicule like I face with France, so Canada got the short end of the stick on this one. But he was a dear about it.

I'd like to tell Canada about us first, when he do get round to it. (If we must…)

France may very well be able to sniff out the truth and I want him nowhere near us! We will have to spend some time together beforehand so that we're not jittery and impatient, and then try not to act too differently during meetings. We'll have to make sure the next batch of meetings are short ones - day-long, if possible - rather than those week-long conferences. Because I'm sure in that amount of time, he'd figure things out.

And even at the risk of that, I don't think I could avoid you for a week. So it's best to just keep the meetings short.

I-I miss you.

Goodbye for now.

* * *

_Hoshiko2_'s cents: For the record, America waited until the very last day to confess to England, and he did it just as England said he wanted: looking him directly in the eyes and being serious. Boy, the rest of that day sure was awkward.

_Anonymous Zoological Society:_ And because it doesn't really get explained in the emails, I'll add that England didn't just leap into America's arms right away. As happy as he was to hear America's confession, it was incredibly unbelievable and England was in shock for quite some time. He also wanted to be sensible and realistic about everything - jumping at the offer and saying "I LOVE YOU, TOO!" would be moving too fast and the dream would inevitably shatter faster, so he tried to hold out and think things over for a while. America loving him back doesn't just solve everything about nations being in a relationship, after all. But, of course, after an hour or so of trying to mull it over and be sensible, England had _NO_ choice but to agree to give them a shot.

_Hoshiko2_: Oh yes, because it was _so hard_ for England. It was like twisting his arm off. Haha!


	10. Chapter 10

_January_

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

I'm sorry! I don't normally say that! It just came out! Please don't be mad.

Ah, it's been crazy over here for a few days. I know I said stuff like I will press a little more and all that, and I read your reply, but I haven't been able to write back. However, I took your advice to heart. And you're right.

I don't want people thinking I'm giving you special treatment or anything. I want them to know that all of my political actions are just that-political. So whatever actions i make outside a meeting room with you is between you and me.

Ok. I feel better knowing you didn't mean to tell France. I still think sometimes that you and him… Well, you don't have it now, obviously, but that you used to have something. A long time ago. I don't want to ask, but it does nag me in the back of my mind from time to time.

Anyway, I have a few questions about our relationship (AH RELATIONSHIP!). One, how fast is too fast for you? I don't wanna kiss you on the first date and then have you flip out. That would not be cool. I don't ever want to do anything to you that might upset you or make you uncomfortable. I've done enough of that. I am here to make you happy. So if PDA like holding hands or kissing is a no, just say the word!

Second, what's your dream kinda date? Walking along the beach holding hands? Going to the park for a romantic picnic? Something so amazingly British I can't even fathom it? I want to make it a reality for you. Seriously. So just tell me and I'll fly on over and pick you up and drop you off at Cloud Nine. ;)

And lastly… Would you ever want to…to do it? I mean I've had partners in the past as I'm sure you have, but this is different. This isn't to be casual. I want to treat you right, and that means making love, not fucking. A-and if you never want sex with me, I understand! I do! I can live without it (geeze, my hands are all clammy…!), so don't feel bad if you want to say no. A-and I'm not saying we do it soon! No! Hell no! J-just when you feel like it. Don't worry about me. I've waited this long, I can wait longer (or forever), so I'll be ready when you say the word!

…NOT THAT I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING!

Ah shit. I should go. I sound like an idiot.

Love you. I miss you too…sweetheart (is that an okay nickname? I know you'd hate babe or baby, but is sweetheart or darling okay-although I'd love to have you call me darling. Swoon!).

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I know you only said that about helping me in the heat of the moment. Of course it's a sweet idea, but you're a good nation and wouldn't treat someone differently because of your personal feelings - whether good or bad.

Let's not talk about France. He can fuck off and I want him to have nothing to do with us: whether it's his prying or you being annoyed that I told him first how I felt about you. He doesn't matter in this relationship.

We've had a "special relationship" for years, America. No need to get so excited over the word.

Well…I was planning to kiss you at the airport whenever we next see each other, so…is that too fast for _you_?

It's proper to wait until the third date but…honestly, I don't think anybody could say we were _rushing_ this. We seem to have liked each other for some time, so kissing before the first date isn't going to come across as too desperate, I shouldn't think.

It will be just a little kiss, of course. I'm really not comfortable with public displays of affection. I might be convinced to hold your hand when there's few people about or if we're in a big enough crowd that no one would notice. Maybe a few pecks on the cheek if you're a good boy, but I'm not going to be up for hugging or lingering kisses in public.

M-my dream date?

I…honestly don't think I've ever thought about it. I would never let myself entertain the fantasy of us going on a date. So I never pictured it. And recently I've been too busy just being amazed that this is happening at all to think about planning activities to do together.

But I think it's very sweet and romantic that you want to take me to cloud nine. You're getting rather good at extracting smiles from me these days, I must say.

At any rate, this is _your_ first date in this relationship, too! You should have some say in it.

If I have to come up with an idea then I think an afternoon picnic in Kensington Gardens or Regent's Park or something might be quite nice?

But if you have a different idea that isn't too ridiculous, we could do that. Or maybe have a long date split in half? Picnic in the afternoon and then whatever you want to do in the evening - whether it's go out in town or stay in and get take-away.

A-Alfred! I can't believe you're talking about something like that so openly! It's a little unseemly to bring that up over email, isn't it? N-not that I want to talk about it face to face, either.

J-just…um…well, I don't think you can plan something as sensitive and personal as…_that_. You can't set a date for that kind of emotional reaction and need for another person. We'll just let it happen when it happens, shall we?

It definitely won't be never.

'Sweetheart' will be just fine, darling.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Okay good! I was just worried. Brand new relationship and you already mentioned breaking up with me. I was just rattled. I promise to calm down. I'm a good boy.

Er… It's weird to say "good boy" given how you used to call me that when I was a child. I think I'd like it if you didn't again. Sorry.

And I know it's been called a "special relationship", but always by others and it referred to our politics. Never US personally. Now I feel it's true. Although my boss said we have a new kind of relationship, but I don't remember the word he used exactly… Again, he meant it about our politics.

Y-you wanna kiss at the airport?! Fuck YEAH! I am TOTALLY okay with that! Just a nice quick one so I can finally feel your lips. Later I wanna give you a proper one, nice and slow and intimate.

Oooooo! I'm gettin' excited just thinking about it!

Sweetheart, my dream date is whatever you want. Seriously. Because I will already have the one factor in the date that I never thought I'd get-you. That's all that matters. We could go anywhere and I would love it because I'm there with you. I can look at you fondly, not worrying when I have to look away. I can hold your hand and brush your hair behind your ear as I kiss you. I can jabber on or you can and just bask in the happiness that is us.

U don't know where that came from. Don't ask me to repeat it. Its rare I turn into such a sap. I'm eating ice cream so I guess I turned into more of a romantic than normal. It maybe it's you. You have such an affect on me, so I think it's you.

A-ah. S-sorry about the sex comment. I was…I was super horny last e-mail. That's why I said I went to go…"do something". Sorry! I couldn't help it! I was all excited! So it was on the brain. I won't bring it up again (unless you ever wanna sext? ;) j/k!)

So when are you free for me to come for a weekend? It's nearing Valentine's Day, but I wanna see you before then. We should start planning!

All right. I'll chat with you soon, sweetheart. Love you!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Alfred, I really don't know how to reply to your last email. You bring out such conflicting emotions in me.

I'm embarrassed on your behalf that you're such a mushy sap, but God, it's so nice to read those things you say.

I'm appalled that you would write about…"doing something" but…I almost want to hear more.

I'm horrified that you would have the poor manners to just brazenly announce that you're horny but…hearing you say that makes me a bit hot and bothered, too.

I hate being such a hypocrite. This is all your fault!

Yes, I don't want our first date to be on Valentine's Day, that's just dreadful.

I'm…well, I'm busy, but I can make time. I think you're slightly busier than I am at the moment, so you set the date this time.

I can't wait till you're here with me, my darling.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hey, what can I say? You're fucking sexy. Like, those legs. And oh God, those eyes of yours. Do you know I can see your eyes across the room even if you're not looking at me because they're the first thing anyone sees about you (looking past the 'brows of course). I can't help that I imagine touching your legs and aiojgaiogkhag

Okay, um. Ahem! I'll be good. I promise. I just, you know…

OKAY THE DATE SHALL BE NEXT FRIDAY! It can't be this Friday as I have plans with my boss, but it can be the weekend after. Even though it's Super Bowl Sunday, I'm skipping it this year to come see you! I see these every year, but I've NEVER had a _first date_ with you!

Oh, we need to set down a schedule. Like do we switch off or is it just whenever we have time off? Canada suggested that to me- I told him. I hope you don't mind. He said he knew it was coming for five decades now and was just waiting for it to FINALLY happen. But he's super happy for us. ;)

Love you! 'Bye!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

You have to be careful when keyboard mashing because I initially assume it's a new word in text speak and try to figure it out, or look it up online. I'm good with technology and keeping up with online trends (got Twitter before you, after all), but the social side (memes, chatspeak, etc.) is not really my forte.

Well, don't I feel special - missing American football just for me!

Next Friday? For how long? Just the weekend, I'm assuming.

So it'll be something like:

Friday - meet at airport, come back to mine for dinner and early bed for you to recover from jetlag/tiring work week

Saturday - date day

Sunday - brunch and then you fly home

Sound about right?

I think that…well, as strange it sounds, going to sleep on Friday night and waking up on Saturday morning is going to feel an awful lot like Christmas. You know something exciting is going to happen that you've been anticipating for ages and now it's finally here and you don't know what to do with yourself!

I hope it's not just me, otherwise I'll look a right moron.

I want to do the picnic in the park for lunch on Saturday, and then I want you to choose what we do for the evening. It's only fair.

It may be a little chilly for a picnic outside, actually… But I don't want to just have a meal in some random restaurant - even if it's a nice one. It just…it's too small. I don't want our first date to rely on a restaurant and _their _timing and _their_ food and _their_ location. It's not special enough. I want it to be all about us. We make it exactly how we want it to be. Do you know what I mean?

I think we should try to swap the visits each time, as we have started to do already. But if there's something particularly wonderful one of us just _has_ to come and see at the other's place, then that's fine. Like if I'm due to come to _you_ the weekend that the next Hobbit movie comes out, then bollocks to that, we'll just have two weekends in a row at my place.

But I think switching off makes sense because our time together is always going to depend on the fact that we can _both _get time off work. I can't come to you when you're still busy, and vice versa. So when we have free time together, we might as well switch countries each time.

I'm glad Canada knows. I was quite eager for him to know, but I'm sort of glad I didn't have to be there because…well, I know he's happy that we're happy, but still, it must be a bit strange to have your brother dating your good friend/ex-guardian.

You have sparkling sapphire eyes that dazzle, too, darling.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

You think my eyes sparkle and dazzle you? Oh my…! Artie!

Sorry that I keyboard smashed. I kind of knocked over the keyboard, literally, because I couldn't get my hands under my legs fast enough- to make sure I didn't do anything wrong!

I think I'll take you to a movie and then a walk down through a garden. That way we can chat about the movie afterwards, and stay close in the night chill. It'll be great! Let's try and aim for a place that's not overcrowded. You don't like PDA, so we can keep it between us and hold hands and make kiss under the moonlight for a bit. ;)

Dude, I know what you mean about Friday being Christmas Eve! Hell, it's like all of December right NOW! I'm counting down the days until I can see you! I'm puttin' chapstick on the puckers sos my lips are super fine. No chapping here! Not for you!

Btw, I had Twitter first. You were just my first friend. ;)

I'm cool with switching off every time. Really cool with it. There's nothing like waking up and seeing the morning fog and your eyes and how perfect it is with your skin tone.

Ah, sorry! I was starting to ramble again…

I'll shoot you an e-mail in a little while! Love you!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Keep in mind that that _was_ a quote from 'The Aristocats.' Not that I didn't mean it, it's just easier to say those things if I pretend I'm just making a joke reference to some animated cats.

You have to stop typing such crude things!

Filter yourself!

If we want an uncrowded garden, we could always ask the queen if we can walk around her grounds but…then again, she might get a bit suspicious that we want to go on a quiet, romantic evening stroll together. There's lots of little places we can go, we'll find somewhere after the movie.

I love you very much.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

YOU QUOTED A DISNEY MOVIE?!

That's it.

I'm gettin' on a plane

Fuck my schedule.

I have to see you.

Right now.

Ah, shit. I called my boss to tell him to put all my meetings on hold and he said no and I kind of had to tell him we're dating. Um… I hope that's not a bad thing.

You made it seem that us walking in the palace garden and having the Queen wonder about us is… a bad thing. I mean, shouldn't she know? You've known her all of her life. So, I guess you want us to keep it a secret even from our bosses?

I love you more, sweetheart.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

A-are you really coming now? Or did your boss still say no?

Well, yes I _had_ meant to keep it a secret from them. It just makes it easier to keep it to ourselves till we're ready for everyone to get involved in our business.

But then again, there aren't that many humans you could tell who would be as nosy as the other nations. And it's not likely they'll call France or someone to gossip. So did you only tell your boss, or do other people know? (I can never figure out how many people at your place actually know that we're nations.)

I would _like_ to tell Lizzie, but I hadn't yet. However, if you _have_ told your boss, and this will give us somewhere quiet to walk about, then I'll go ahead and tell her, shall I? Lizzie can keep a secret. And the boys won't be around to spy and pry, so we're safe there.

I really do love you, but it feels a little…weird to say that when we haven't even kissed. Well, not weird, because it's true but just…I feel like a teenager, completely optimistic and innocent and naive. And even despite a thousand years of cynicism, I can't quite force myself to feel otherwise.

The things you do to me, America.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

No, sorry. My boss said no. Damn, that would've been awesome, huh? Like I just show up on your doorstep and am all, "Hey, I lost my way to France. Can I come in and make-out with you?"

Dude, I just! Sorry. I remembered we're going out. During the day I kind of force it out of my mind so I can be normal and go about my day, but… then I remember and it's like someone smacked me in the face. Not in a bad way. In the best possible way EVER. Where I wobble about from being love struck and I smile like an idiot and want to skip to wherever I'm going and. Fuck. LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME! I turn you into a teenager and you make me some SAP! Fuck…

And yeah, I only told my boss. Basically, the only people who really know who I am are my boss and his family, the VP and his family, the Secretary of State, the Supreme Court Judges, and the Speaker of the House. Not even Congress or the Senate know, but they've always been suspicious.

Aw man! The boys won't be there?! I still owe Harry some money from a bet I lost. And I wanna chat it up with Kate. She has the best fashion sense and I like making my citizens look good. No longer slobs over there. :P

Hey, can you get on Skype? I wanna hear your voice!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

You were _always _a sap! Just look at your bloody movies. I'm convinced your whole population got that from you, not the other way around.

"Going out" and "dating" and all those words I can use to describe it…they just don't seem quite adequate, do they. I know that's what people _do_, and technically that's what _we'll_ be doing (once the dates actually start) but…a romantic relationship between us is just so much _more_ than that it's almost unbelievable. The "dates" and "going out" aspect is the tiniest part of us being in a relationship. I find it so much more important that I'm special to you, not just that you go to the movies with me. But I don't know how to describe the relationship like that. "We're dating" just seems so much more acceptable and less vomiting inducing than "We're each other's most important person."

It's the same for me: the royal family and a few of the extended family, Prime Minister and his family, and a handful of higher ups. Obviously some of the regular MPs and lords figure out something's up over the years when I never age, but they're never allowed in the know.

Um, I can Skype. Let me cut this off here then and I'll come online.


	11. Chapter 11

_January_

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hey sweetheart. I'm stuck in traffic. Just wanted to say hi and I miss you and I AM SO BORED!

-Sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Poor babby. If it makes you feel any better, you're my number one. There could be someone saving a life, or winning a Nobel prize, and I still think you, stuck in traffic, are better than them.

Not very nice of me, I know, but I'm a little bit biased.

I'm at home with tea and scones. I'll let you decide whether or not I'm being serious.

-Sent from Blackberry

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Was that one of those two lies and one truth things, because I think you told one lie and two truths! ;)

-Sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

A few emails ago you said that you confessed to me because of something I said to you. You were going to tell me what it was but then I think you forgot. When you get home, go and find it. I'm curious.

-Sent from Blackberry

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

You said something…? OH YEAH! I'll totally look at that! I have my e-mail on my phone. I'll text you in a bit!

-Sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

No rush. Just wondering.

I still can't believe that even after the beach and the rest of my stay, you didn't realise I'd been talking about YOU in those emails!

-Sent from Blackberry

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

WELL! I mean! I just didn't want to really believe you could even think about me in such a way! If I did… I might find out I was wrong and then be really depressed.

-Sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Okay, I found the part of the e-mails that made me go forward to confess to you. You were talking about how scary rejection is and then you say this "And yet, for some reason, nature decides to fuck itself and make us long for someone who has every right - nay, instinct - to reject us, because we are not SUPPOSED to be important to them."

That's when I realized you WERE important to me and putting it off any longer was just silly. We're already apart by land and politics and culture, but not by heart. I knew I cared about you more than anything else (well, aside from my people), but I was scared. I had to tell. I didn't want to live with this anymore. Rejection would pass, but this feeling never could.

-Sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Not my best achievement in the LITERARY department, but I can't complain with the results.

And I never would have guessed that that confession was the "surprise" you were talking about when you were telling me your plans for my trip.

…Hang on…

So you confessed, and I said yes. And you were doing it a) to be true to your feelings, but also b) to try to cheer me up for not getting to be with the "other" person you thought I actually liked?

You wanted to be with me when you thought I loved someone else, just to cheer me up, even though it would hurt you terribly?

Oh, America.

I wish you were here so I could hug you.

-Sent from Blackberry

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at. hotmail. co. uk_

Yes to both. I thought that when you said you liked someone else that it would never be me. So… I went hoping to show you that my intentions are true and…that you might fall in love with me someday. I could…live with being second rate as long as you were happy. Somehow. I'll admit, going in I was nervous as shit that I'd lose you completely because you were pretty clear you did NOT want someone else. And so if I confessed you might think I'm patronizing you and. Let's just say it wasn't easy confessing to you.

-Sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

America, I was DEVASTATED when you said you fancied someone. I know it was TECHNICALLY possible that it could be me since we do both EXIST - but even something as simple as that never even crossed my mind. It was impossible for it to be me.

I never wanted to tell you I liked "someone" myself, because then, on the off-chance you ever did fall magically in love with me, you wouldn't believe you had a chance. But then you were swooning all over this other person, so I admitted to liking someone, too, because I wanted you to think I didn't need you, either.

-Sent from Blackberry

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Well, you know me. Always aiming to be the hero. And I had to do everything I could to make you happy. If that meant sacrificing any of my happiness, then… so be it! I'd do that and more for you!

OH THANK GOD! Traffic finally let up! I'll be off soon.

-sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Where are you off to?

-Sent from Blackberry

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

To the airport~! ;)

See you in 6 hours!

-Sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Have a safe flight, darling.

-Sent from Blackberry

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Aw, I was expecting you to jump for joy in happiness that I was coming as a surprise a week early!

-Sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

What?!

I-I…I don't know, I didn't think! I thought you meant you were going to the airport for business, and wouldn't be able to contact me during your flight!

Y-you're coming here NOW?

Thank you! It's a wonderful surprise! SO surprising that I needed you to explain it to me. I just…didn't think you would go to all that trouble if your boss said no.

What terminal? When does your flight get in?

I'll be there!

-Sent from Blackberry

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

My boss has NO CONTROL OVER ME!

That and…I convinced him to come along and I can put him up in the same hotel as me. Haha!

I'm at Terminal B and I'll be there at 8 tonight.

LOVE YOU! CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU! I'm waiting for that kiss! ;P

-Sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

A hotel? Nonsense - you've been wandering into my home as if you owned the place for years. You'll stay with me, and forget about your boss. (Isn't that a bit like bringing your mother along on a romantic holiday or something?)

-Sent from Blackberry

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Naw, he's coming with his family for a vacation. I convinced him by saying my going will improve our relations. All he did was hand me a condom.

HAHA! WHAT A FUNNY GUY! RIGHT?!

And I knew you'd let me into your house. I just said a hotel so you'd invite me and I didn't have to go through the hassle of inviting myself.

Okay, gettin' on the plane. See ya /soon/, sweetheart!

-Sent from iPhone


	12. Chapter 12

_January_

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hey sweetheart. You wanted me to text you when I got home. I just touched down. I'll shoot you an e-mail when I get home.

My lips are still tingling. ;)

LOVE YOU!

-Sent from iPhone

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Hey sweetheart, I'm home now.

I… Where do I start with this weekend? It wasn't perfect because we didn't get to spend enough time together. Aside from that I just. You were amazing. The taste of your lips, the feel of them, when you made that soft moan in the back of your throat when we first kissed and how you held me. I'm still tingling! Like, my entire body. There was a point when I was at a connecting flight in Chicago (since I'm in my L.A. home right now) that was near another flight back to London and I came THIS close to getting back on there. I just…

You've done something to me. All in the best way.

I cannot stop thinking about you. That's why I'm in L.A. I need some time to not work and just be alone so I can think.

I love you. I really can't wait to see again!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Glad you made it home alright. Hope the flight was long enough for you to make some progress in that PSP game you were going on about. Maybe next time we get together I should play some video games with you, hm? So I actually know what you're talking about when you start ranting about 3DS, Black Ops and Pokemon X. And especially since you told me I need to buy Pokemon Y so we can "trade" or what have you.

I know you thought it wasn't perfect because you wanted us to spend more alone time together but…well, frankly, I don't know if I could have handled it. I was so tense being around you! Even when I was secretly in love with you before and pretending to hide it, it wasn't this bad. This was just traumatising! I was so focused on acting "natural" that I couldn't relax; I suddenly forgot how I usually act, so I felt that everything I was doing must look odd and awkward. Sitting next to you in the cinema I just didn't know what to do with myself! I barely even remember the movie I was so intently focused on how to place my legs and where my hands were and how much popcorn I should take at a time.

Ugh.

Maybe next time…we should stay in and get more comfortable just being around each other? So that when we do go out, it's not as scary?

Well, not scary, but…you know what I mean.

But even though I was so nervous and tense, the second you were gone…I just wanted you back. I've been without you for hundreds of years, it shouldn't be an issue. But this time when I left you at the airport, I didn't know how I could be expected to be apart from you. It's not fair. I suddenly have a great deal of respect for all those humans in long distance relationships. I'd never really sympathised with them before because at least they _had_ someone. But their lives are so much shorter than ours, and to spend much of it being separated from the one they love…it's horrible.

Basically what I'm saying is…I miss you already. And I can't wait to see you again.

You've done something to me, too. I think it's obvious from these messages: these don't look like the kinds of things England would write. I know I've changed, and yet…I can't find it in myself to care.

And that's scary to me. Usually I reject change in myself, but now I'm so content that I accept it willingly. Which is dangerous: because that means if I'm changing for the _worse_, I wouldn't know, or even _care_. I'd be so blissfully ignorant that I'd just let it happen.

And I don't want that. You fancied "grumpy old fart" England and I don't want to become something different and drive you away.

So, do you…think it's a bad change?

Sorry for being so…odd today. I think I just miss you.

At any rate, it's definitely your fault.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Artie, (I know you hate me calling you that, but deal), listen to me. There is nothing you could become that I would hate. I have watched you change from a pirate to my loving guardian to my enemy to my closest ally and now to my boyfriend. Seriously. I've seen you change in the best and worst ways. And through all of that I have loved you- even when we were on opposite sides.

If you change, it can only be for the better because it's who you are. If it doesn't work for me, then it doesn't work. That doesn't mean I'll just toss my hands up in the air and go, "OH WELL! ON TO THE NEXT NATION" because there ISN'T anyone else. There never has been. I've never "fancied" someone because I can't even fathom it.

So, now that THAT'S out of the way, just know you can be yourself around me.

I know that's totally easier said than done because, trust me, I was just as nervous. I didn't see you acting scared because I was too wrapped up in, "Am I being good? Fuck, I just wanna kiss him 24/7! But I can't! Queen Bessie is, like, RIGHT THERE and I don't think she'd like to see some other nation put his tongue down her nation's throat. Especially when we're at tea in her palace." So…

But, oh man, I wanted to put my arm around you in the theater and "accidentally" brush your hand in the popcorn bucket so then I could have an excuse to hold your hand and AHHHH!

Yeah, you drive me nuts too. PLEASE tell me if my sappiness is ever too much, k?

And yes, I totally agree to staying in next time and just hanging out. I like it. I can have you all to myself. ;)

Man, I hear you on the long distance thing. It sucks ass. I miss your warmth and your smell and your eyes looking at me every now and again and just… I miss YOU. I've missed you before when I was a colony, but this is different. Because now I know the next time we meet I can do (almost) all of the things I've wanted to do for SO long like kiss you and hold your hand and it's okay for me to think, "He's mine!" and not feel upset that it's a lie. I just can't wait until next weekend when I was scheduled to come and see you. This time it won't be with my boss (that guy has to get to work, hah!), so we can take it slow.

Oh man, I'm just rolling around on my bed thinking about you and I CAN'T STOP SMILING!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

Well, I'm new to being myself around _me_, too - since this version of myself is new, after all. So forgive me if I'm a little awkward for a while.

Thank you for the pep talk, though. It made me feel a lot better.

I'm not sure if your sappiness _is_ too much, since you never attempted any of those devastatingly smooth moves. How about this: next time we go to the cinema, you have my permission to put your arm around me or "accidentally" touch my hand. We can test it out and see if they're too sappy for me. (Something tells me that I think I'd quite like them, though. In the dark of the cinema, or when everyone's attention is on stage/screen, I don't think I mind holding hands and so on.)

For what it's worth, I feel ridiculously sappy, too. I can't stop thinking about you: how much I want to kiss you and have my arms around you, or yours around me. I want your lips on mine - I never thought I could need anything so simple and sentimental so very, very badly. I didn't know that that's the kind of person I was until I had _your_ kiss, and now here I am.

I just feel restless knowing I can't reach out and touch you. Somehow you've turned into someone who can keep me grounded and walking on air all at the same time.

We're still seeing each other next week, too?! I assumed that you'd taken this surprise early trip in lieu of the latter one, which would then be cancelled. But are you saying that one is still on? Oh God, I thought I was already impatient enough waiting to see you again when I didn't have a set date in mind - but now you tell me it's only a week away and suddenly I feel even _more_ out of my mind! How is that possible?

A week has never seemed so long.

Do you still have tickets booked for here, or should I book some to come to you - since we decided to switch between countries? Or do surprise visits not count in the schedule?

I miss you I miss you, America.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Ok. If I can hold your hand and put my arm around you in the theater…can we make-out too? I think-no, I KNOW I've become addicted to kissing you. Like everything about it. The way you smell. How you taste. The feel of your hands on me and mine on yours. How I can feel your heart beating and feel your heat.

AH! I want to kiss you so badly! IT'S NOT FAIR!

And hell yeah I'm still coming! I wouldn't miss out on a chance to see you! Surprise visits don't count. :P

Now then. About my smooth moves. I could totally whip out my one-liners and smooth talk you, but I dunno if you could handle it. You might just have a heart attack from how handsome I can be.

That's now my mission in life. To be so damn charming and have such swag you swoon. You cum in your pants. Fuck, that'd be hot to make you jizz in your pants and just shout, "TAKE ME I'M YOURS!" And then you leap at me and we get it on.

Mmm… Yes. That's a lovely dream.

Don't flip out and think its improper of me or I need to censor myself. I know you get all horny too thinking about me. Who doesn't? And everyone knows your love of porn.

THAT'S WHAT I CAN DO! I'll take nude photos and make you my own little porn magazine so you can read THAT at meetings (Don't lie. We know you read pornos at meetings. Ya perv. ;P)

Oh man. I think I'm too riled up after thinking about kissing you. SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME?! Ya evil little…

I love you!

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to make-out _in_ the cinema yet, if that's what you mean. Not that I…wouldn't _want_ to, with you, it's just embarrassing to do that in public right now. I'm sure there'll come a time when I want you so badly that I don't care, though. But for now I'm too nervous around you as it is to go that far in public.

I'm rather counting on it in private, though. Our little hugs and kisses were nice last time, but I can't wait to get _really_ close. I tell you, that drive home from the airport is going to be unbearably long when you're sitting right there next to me but I can't touch you.

I'm addicted to your presence now. Just the few times during your last visit when we let ourselves brush together or hug or kiss - I need you near me now. Need to know I can reach out and touch that silky golden princess hair, run my finger across your warm skin, turn my head and have your blue eyes looking back at me…

I'm sure it's just the honeymoon period and we'll calm down eventually, but it's a shame to waste this precious beginning time apart.

If you "jizz in your pants" I don't think you technically have the energy to then leap at someone. But aside from that little flaw in your plan: "challenge accepted," as you always say. I bet I could charm the pants off you before you remembered how English is even supposed to work; but I'll let you have a bash at it it before I show you how it's done.

_Excuse_ me, but I don't "love porn." Not any more than the next man, anyway. It's entertaining but I'd hardly say I "love" it.

Oh, but Alfred, I would _love_ for you to take photos like the ones in some adult magazines, but I don't think you'd be so enamoured with the idea once you realise what you've suggested. Little frilly costumes, feminine poses… Are you sure this is really the way to prove to me that you're so charming and suave?

Again, not saying you _shouldn't_ do it, just saying you should think before your make promises like that.

Can you imagine how funny that would be for me to have this magazine, and all the other nations think it's a regular one, but inside are loads of pictures of you? They'd be so surprised!

I honestly wouldn't be able to even _pretend_ to do work if I had a magazine like that in my hands during a meeting, though. I think I'll just have to settle for glancing at you inconspicuously every few seconds next time there's a world meeting.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

Why're you nervous? I mean, yeah, I'm a little nervous I'll fuck up, but I want to be by your side constantly. Honeymoon-phase or not, I just want to be with you. And I think going to see a chick flick and holding hands and looking at only you and kissing you is so fucking amazing, I just explode at the thought.

Yes, private moments are the absolute best. Like. Yum. I gotta say, I wasn't surprised by your taste. You taste like tea and the sea and a little bit of honey. You smell like rain and books, but you ALWAYS have. That's nothing new. But…when I touched you… it was an entirely new feeling. I've touched you many times before, from when I was a baby to just a few years ago. This was different. I can't explain it. I hope I don't sound crazy.

I have princess hair? What?! :/

Don't even get me started on distance. Right now, the Atlantic is one huge cockblock. It's pissing me off. To make me feel better I went out and talked to an Englishman who lamented about you (home) and how he can't handle the warmth in January in Cali. It is odd to go from your cold place to this warmer than normal winter on my West Coast, and realizing I'm so far away made me fly back to D.C. just to be just a LITTLE bit closer to you.

You don't have the energy to go for another round? Hmph. Too old, Artie? Tsk, let a young man get under your sheets and refresh you in the art of "going all night", because I'm sure it's been a long time for you. ;)

I would LOVE to see you try! BRING IT ON! FIRST TO SUCCUMB TO THE OTHERS' SEXINESS BOTTOMS!

Wait. Wait, back up a sex. I MEAN SEC.

Frilly outfits? Feminine poses? Dude, men can pose like all manly and it can still be hot. I'll be shirtless with a hand down my pants looking at the camera like, "Yeah, you know I'm thinking that it's YOUR hand down there instead", or running a hand through my hair with half-lidded eyes, or even full page nude shot of me spread eagle with maybe a "come hither" look to my eyes. Mmmm, you would have to run from the room because you'd JIZZ IN YOUR PANTS!

That's how I'll get you. That or my ultra-smooth seducing moves. We shall see. :)

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

As much as I like being with you, it's still nerve-wracking. You're _America_. The one I've wanted for so long, and now you're _here_ - I'm happy, but can't help being a little nervous at the enormity of the situation.

Did you really "explode" at the thought? I think that means I win, doesn't it? That wasn't very hard.

I'm happy to go see a movie (hopefully nothing _too_ girly - I have no problem with romantic comedies and chick flicks if they're actually decent movies, but I don't like paying for the ones that are contrived just to make the studio a quick and easy buck). But, personally, I can't wait to get you alone. I want to be close so I can actually smell you, too (since you started it, I don't have to feel too self-conscious about saying such a thing). You tasted like sweet bubblegum and something salty - maybe crisps or chips? And a bit bitter, like coffee, but you'd obviously just had a mint recently on the plane to freshen up. It was cute. I want to taste it all again. And feel your lips again. They feel just right on mine.

You smelled of hamburgers, even though I doubt they were giving out hamburgers on the plane. But I wasn't really surprised at that, either. I _was_ surprised, however, to find that I really liked the smell for once. And then, after the whiff of sweet burger, I could smell the leather of your jacket. And then underneath it was a refreshing breeze, and a warm field. I think it has something to do with us being nations, because I don't know how you could smell like a wide open wheat field after spending so long on a plane, but still…That's how you smelled.

It's my favourite smell. I feel like I don't want to breathe until I can breathe that in again.

Needless to say, touching you like that was new and different for me, too. But very nice. I'm sure it'll be even more new and different when we…um…well, what with the making out that you want to do.

Your hair feels like a princess's must do. Just look at Rapunzel and then look at you. Tell me you don't think her hair would feel the same as yours. It's lovely.

You really flew back to D.C. just to be closer? Oh, America, that's so lovely of you. I can't move around like that, so I feel like I'm standing still here, coiled ready to spring with all this tension and adrenaline as I wait for next week. The slightest upset could tip me over the edge, I know it.

America, darling, don't flatter yourself. You're _too_ young and energetic - yes, it'll be fun, but you're not going to wear me out in the way you expect. I doubt you could keep up with me. You are going to thank me for being so "old" when we get round to all that. I _promise_ you.

Good luck with bottoming. I'll be gentle with you. (At first.)

But you said you wanted to do a photoshoot like in the magazines _I_ "love." Well, I mostly look at girly mags, so that's what I shall expect of you. (Remember, _you _were the one who offered without realising what you were getting into.)

However, if you want to do _both_ types of photos, I have no problem with that. And if you practise in the mirror, be sure to send me some pictures so I can give you constructive criticism. It's for your own benefit, not mine.

America, I'm not saying you're not sexy, but I don't think you could pull off the smooth and seductive bit as well I can. Just look at some of our two countries' sex icons:

Me = James Bond

You = Elvis Presley

One is subtle but an unstoppable classic sex icon - and the other drove a whole generation into outrage because of the way he moved his hips.

Still, I'm very much looking forward to seeing you all charming and sultry. (Or at least, _your_ version of them.)

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

I didn't do THAT kind of exploding. It was more like I let out this girly scream in my head and did a dance in my chair with my fists all balled up by my face as I chewed on my lip. Yes, just imagine that. That is me exploding. Like when Disneyland opened for the first time. Fuck I was like a colony all over again. I nearly yanked Walt's arm off dragging him in (Yes, Walt knew who I was. He was one of the few humans I trusted to tell).

Oh God, when you wrote "But, personally, I can't wait to get you alone" I nearly melted. Fuck! That was hot. I dunno why. I think it's all this tension at seeing you again! WHY ARE THERE FOUR MORE DAYS?! I'm ready to just skip out tomorrow and take a prolonged vacation, but then I might not get a long one again for awhile. Hmm… I'll see what I can do, because you're right. This is the BEST time of a relationship and it shouldn't be spent only thinking of what I want to do with you, but actually doing it.

How'd you know I had a mint on the plane? You some kind of psychic?

Actually… I had them put burgers on the plane special for me. Hot damn they were good!

Should I wear my jacket when you come over? I remember when I loaned it to you and you couldn't take it off even though you kinda bitched me out about "not being all that cold" and "don't have to go through the trouble". Do you secretly like it? I know why I love it. It brings back the best memories of when I was rising to my Golden Era and when I came to save you and we were super close in the desert and-HEY!

TOTALLY RANDOM!

Did you ever get all hot and bothered when you were in the desert with me back during WWII? Because… I WAS! Do you know what those SHORTS did to me?! Fuck me…

Like seriously.

Okay, calm down Al. It's all good.

If I wear my jacket will you bring shorts? I'll rack up the heater in my place to be like a tropical paradise. You'll be sweating!

I'm SO glad I'm not some weirdo for thinking it was different to touch you. It felt… I dunno! I STILL CAN'T EXPLAIN IT! Somehow that irritates me…

Actually, I think Rapunzel takes better care of her hair than me. Her hair shines much more than mine. And if I could hear people with my beautiful singing voice, then I would! HAHA!

OH HO! Is that ANOTHER challenge my dear? Do you REALLY want to try and do this? I think I should give the numbers of my past lovers and have them explain why that might not be the best idea to a guy your age. Just sayin'.

AND HEY! I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU FIRST! NO FAIR! I CALL DIBS! XP

I can do both. I've been told I look hot in drag. I'll do it for you, sweetheart, but the girl one of me stays at home. Near your bed and the lotion. ;)

LOVE YOU!

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

OH! I forgot! You can't compare a spy to a singer! THAT'S NOT FAIR!

For one, the King was from a totally different era than Bond. The moves he did were new and WAY different from what Bond did. You really can't compare the two.

If you want to compare our sex symbols like that then pick ones from the same era and who do the same line of work, like actors. Right now your Cucumber guy is all the rage as your new Sherlock, right? Over here I'd say RDJ3 is pretty big. Compare those guys instead.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

You "exploding" seems awfully infantile. I feel that despite your physical appearance, you wouldn't look out of place with a bunch of playschool(kindergarten) girls handing out sweets and cards on Valentine's Day.

See what I can do when I'm not even trying?

But you're right - if you take off early to visit me now, it might make people at your place less inclined to give you a few extra long weekends in the future. As much as I would love to have you here just as soon as you can get on a flight, if you act sensibly you might get in everyone's good books and gather some Brownie points for the future.

I could taste and smell the mint, my love. You'd obviously had it as you were touching down. Maybe more than one.

Yes. Wear the jacket. I love you in anything, of course, but that jacket is so fundamentally _America_ to me, you've been wearing it so long.

America…I got hot and bothered when I was with you practically _anywhere_ at that time.

That's when I finally started to realise and admit to myself how I might actually feel about you, and once I started noticing I just…couldn't stop. It was agony. I felt more desperate than I've ever felt in my life, and it was awful being so preoccupied wanting you when I had to so many bigger problems on which I had to focus.

Believe me, I would _love_ to finally get my hands on that jacket with you inside it, and you have your hands on me, too. It might be a few decades late, but you know the old saying. I feel like my WWII self is owed it.

But surely, if you wear your jacket and turn up the heat, _you'll_ be the one sweating?

I was so nervous about getting physical with you, but now I feel like we're going to end up doing something very rash the minute we see each other. I apologise if I act a little bold when you finally get here - do tell me if it's too fast? I can control myself. If you want me to.

It feels different to touch you because…

Well, I've been sitting here staring at those three dots for about five minutes. I suppose I can't explain it either.

But that's because there's too much to say, I think.

We have hugged and kissed and shared a bed and baths before - but in a completely platonic way. It doesn't feel so personal because this is a family member(sort of): they are _supposed_ to hug you and love you and keep you safe and warm. We take it all for granted.

But when it's someone you _love_, it's different. It feels so much more powerful to hug or kiss them because you know it's not necessarily permanent, this isn't owed to you, it could be taken away. This is a person you _need_, and by some miracle they want you back. It feels like a victory to have them touch you. So a touch isn't just something comforting and warm like it is with a family member - it's because this person _wants_ you in every possible way.

So this time, even the slightest touch of our hands, or brushing up against each other's arms sets me on fire because I know …you want me. You picked me somehow.

But that's just a part of it, I think. It's probably also because you're unfathomably handsome.

I have no doubt that Rapunzel_ does_ spend more time on personal grooming than you do. But still, don't put yourself down - you have the loveliest hair, I just want to run my fingers through it.

Brawn isn't everything, America. Just because you can tire out some amateur with your youthful energy and enthusiasm that doesn't mean someone with the skill couldn't have you begging in a second at the right touch.

I've no doubt you have plenty of skill, but don't think I'm so old that it will be _easy_ for you. I can give as good as I get. And I do both very, _very_ well.

I shall feel positively cheated if you do this photoshoot without me there to stand by and make sure you're doing it right. Why don't you wait a while and we can do it some other time?

You don't really need to _try_ right now - you're everything I've been dreaming about just as you are.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

For your information, the first James Bond story was published in 1953, the same year Elvis was starting out.

But okay, then. Let's compare Benedict Cumberbatch and Robert Downey Jr.

My argument still stands.

One is so subtle you don't even notice you've been caught in his appeal until you're feverishly stalking him online, one is so flashy and arrogant you can't ignore him even if you want to.

* * *

**From:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_  
**To:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_

So our sexiest actors totally reflect us. That's so awesome! Because everyone knows you're sexy on the inside, but you don't flaunt it. You do sometimes, but in different ways. Like those shorts. Fuck me, those shorts. What I wouldn't give to run my hand up your legs and right under those shorts and MMMM!

Babe. I could wink at you and you'd get the same reaction. Don't think so highly of yourself just yet, k? We'll see when I come in three days. We shall see. ;)

Yeah, I'm doing all of my business as quickly as I can to get it out of the way. Then, when Thursday rolls around I can go in and tell everyone I HAVE no work, so I'll just leave. Hopefully they won't dump a pile of papers on my desk. I could try and tell them I'll do it on the plane, but they'd think I'd lie. I totally wouldn't! I might have in the past, but that was the old me! The NEW me wants to get everything and everyone out of the fucking way so I can see you. I'd part the God damn sea if I could.

That makes me so happy to know you got so hot and bothered back in WWII, but…is that when you started falling for me? Or, at least, noticing it? Because for me, it was much earlier than that.

And if I wear the jacket when it's super hot inside, that's all the more incentive to take it off. ;)

OF COURSE I could wear that and ONLY that! ;))))

I knew you'd be the one to describe it perfectly. Fuck, you're amazing.

Sometimes, when I'm bored or trying to fade out of reality, I think of you and what you look like as you go about your day. The way you walk to and from rooms, how you look when you're in thought over work, when you sip your tea and mull over whether or not it's to your liking, when you smile at having accomplished something, or even when you're just sitting there doing nothing yourself. I wish I could actually see them when I get that way. If you haven't noticed… I've paid attention to you quite a lot. It's kind of an old habit. One I know I no longer have to hide.

Nothing is too bold for me, sweetheart. I've waited a long time and suffered enough lonely nights without you. Now that I have you and we're together, I feel I'm just going to gobble up the appetizer of this first happy phase before we move on to savoring the entree.

Damn, I sounded smart as shit right then! HAHA!

Okay, enough talk. Let's just bring it in the bedroom when it finally comes to it. I'll hold you to your challenge. Let's see if your bite is worse than your bark (although, I'd LOVE to hear you "bark").

I promise I won't do any photoshoots without you there, Your Highness.

* * *

**From:** _England-UK at hotmail. co. uk_  
**To:** _Liberty76 at gmail. com_

I'd like to think I'm sexy on the outside, too, when I try to be…I just don't always "turn it on."

My MAIN reason for wearing such short shorts is because I get far too hot in warm climates. I can barely function. So when we have to wear uniforms in hot weather, I try to get away with wearing as little as possible.

But I must admit, I do wear particularly short shorts because people have always complimented me on my legs. I had hoped _you _would comment, when you first saw them, but you didn't. Still, I kept wearing them because even if you weren't interested, it still gave me a confidence boost to wear something I know other people think makes me look good.

If I'd know they had such an effect on _you_, though, I would have posed on purpose a little more.

Good luck with the work. I'll be here come what may, so don't push yourself and make any mistakes. That'll be a sure way to fall from everyone's good graces.

No, I…I was falling for you long before WWII. So long, in fact, that I don't really know when it started. By the time I realised what was going on - it was already too late. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't the case, that I was just going insane (anything seemed preferable to having feelings for you). I managed to live in denial for a long time, and if I noticed how attractive you looked or how clever you were or how kind you acted, I refused to let it get to me.

But I _did_ notice. I couldn't stop noticing.

And then WWII rolled around and you came to my side again.

And as much as I wanted to keep pretending, I knew I had more important things to focus on than lying to myself. So after awhile, I decided to make life easier on myself, take away one of my many burdens and just give in to what I knew to be the truth, even though it made me feel weak and stupid. I stopped pretending that I wasn't in love with you.

I _thought_ it would make life easier, anyway. But after all those of years of repression, and deciding to finally let myself notice you, it made it very hard not to jump you whenever you'd walk into my tent.

WWII was fucking difficult in every possible way…

You…liked me before WWII, as well? I…didn't expect that. I thought it was much more recent for you.

Actually, um…_I_ want to wear the jacket.

I don't know what it is, and I know it's stupid but…there's just something about the idea. This is _your_ jacket, your _prized_ property, something that _means_ "America" and "Alfred." And if I got to wear it I'd feel special to you, too.

It's ridiculous, I know. You don't have to let me wear it or anything - I'm just saying it's more t_hat_ image that makes me interested in having the jacket involved, so you don't have to wear it yourself and give yourself heatstroke. Not that I wouldn't want you in that jacket, but, you don't have to put yourself out, is what I'm saying.

I'll feel like you're watching me all the time now, even when you're not here. And yet somehow…it's not creepy. The thought of you watching over me, even if it's just in both our heads, is surprisingly comforting. Maybe it's just the knowledge that you wish you could be with me when I'm doing the most mundane things.

I wish I could be with you, too, to share your every day life with you. I want to know exactly how you live your life, so I know everything about you inside and out. It's not enough that I know the big things - when your next meeting is taking place, what you'll talk about, what movie you're going to watch tonight. I want to see if you always look for that one favourite mug or just grab any old thing when you make coffee - so I know I should wash up that one especially for you. I want to know if you're always rooting around for missing socks, so I can make sure you always have some complete pairs in your drawers. I want to know if you wake up and go straight down for breakfast, or if you look out the window first, so that when I wake up I can look at the sunrise, too, and pretend we're looking at it together (even though there's a time difference).

Wouldn't it be interesting to live together as humans do? Maybe one day we can take a long summer vacation and pretend for a while.

I don't think you can sound that smart using a metaphor that includes the word "gobble."

America, I…almost don't want to bring this up because I know I'm worrying over nothing and I don't want to look like an idiot. But…well, as much as I enjoy flirting and competing with you…I don't want sex to be a game. I don't want it to be a challenge we rush to see who wins. I don't want it to be an appetizer while we wait for something more filling. I don't just want to play with you.

I know that gives the whole situation a great deal of weight, and makes it sound laborious and not at all romantic - and I _do _want for us to be able to have fun and play these games with each other.

But for now, this means too much to me. I just want you. I don't need the games and the competition. And I'm not going to be able to do all the suave and sultry things I've promised. At least not at first. That's why I feel I should tell you this now, rather than on the day. I'll be lucky if I can even remember how to breathe when we do…become intimate. I'm not going to be able to charm you or anything.

I know that makes me sound desperate or something, but…well, I am. For you. And although it goes against every fibre of my being to write those words I want you to know them. We've had enough miscommunication and dancing around the subject in the past. There's some things now I should say honestly.

So…I'm sorry I won't be able to challenge you as much as I've said. Not at first, anyway. I know you're mostly joking about all that, anyway, but I still want to say it plainly before you come to visit. Just at the beginning, maybe give me some time to catch up to the fact that this is actually happening? And then I can play with you to your heart's content (because I'm still sure I can give you a run for your money).

I love you. I miss you.

I can't wait to be with you again.


End file.
